


No Matter How Hard I Try

by soft_exo



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Actor Do Kyungsoo | D.O, Angst, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-24
Updated: 2019-08-23
Packaged: 2020-04-06 06:23:26
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 30,999
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19057009
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/soft_exo/pseuds/soft_exo
Summary: Normally Jongin thinks having this face is his greatest blessing but right now he can't think of a worse curse.





	1. Part 1

**Author's Note:**

> I was working on a lighthearted, happy fic after the trauma I put you all through with the last one but then @AbsoluteZXING posted this wonderful prompt and I got distracted.
> 
> Thank you for the prompt. Not sure if this is what you had in mind for this AU but I hope you like it?
> 
> It was actually quite hard to write this because my brain gave up after the first chunk. I took so freaking long to form the words and it's literally a pile of shit so I apologise in advance😭
> 
> The prompt:  
> Soloist/Actor Kyungsoo dedicates his Best actor award to his long time bf only to find out that his bf was cheating on him. JI is doing a live & walking back to his place when he bumps into a small covered up dude that oddly resembles the man who is his favorite idol.
> 
> You can find me on Twitter: @soft_exo_AO3 
> 
> Also give @absoluteZYXing a follow too!

**Kyungsoo**

“And the award goes to…..” The announcer pauses dramatically. The venue holds its breath. “The 2019 Blue Dragon Film Awards Best Actor trophy goes to none other than Do Kyungsoo!”

The crowd erupts with applause and cheers. Kyungsoo smiles shyly, standing to hug his fellow actors. As he walks from his seat up to the stage he waves in the general direction of his fans. He can’t see them in the dim light of the hall but their colourful headbands and light-up signs offer him their support.

No matter how many years pass or how many awards he gets, Kyungsoo never gets used to the overwhelming excitement of receiving all this love and praise. His heart thumps in joy even as his brain tells him he’s unworthy.

He takes the trophy from the announcer, bowing 90 degrees to show his gratitude. Laughter washes through the crowd as he steps up to the mic which is level with his forehead. The technicians adjust it for him and Kyungsoo laughs along with them.

“Aigoo...” He begins. The crowd cheers. “First of all, thank you to the wonderful cast of my drama who did all the hard work. Thank you to my fans for always supporting me no matter what. Thank you to my friends and colleagues for teaching me and… and babe, I know you’re watching at home so thank you for your unwavering love all these years.”

There’s a moment of utter silence in the room and Kyungsoo’s heart pounds in his chest. Maybe that was too bold. He was so ecstatic he’d made a mistake and blurted out that confession on live TV and oh my God they were going to hate him and his agency was going to kill him and oh shit he’d fucked up and they were both going to suffer so much and get fired and...

Suddenly, there is a loud “ _whoop_!” and the room is alive again. Several people stand and whistle and Kyungsoo breathes a sigh of relief. He bows again and walks back to his seat, hands shaking from his nerves. Yixing, his best friend and manager, draws him into a hug and smiles warmly. He was safe.

They were safe.

Although it was 2019 and most people had come to terms with gay and lesbian people being… well people (newsflash), there were still a lot of intolerance around. Korea was hardly known for being the most open-minded country and so for Kyungsoo as a gay celebrity, it was tough. He crept around trying to hide his true self for years in fear that his career would be ruined.

He’d managed to keep both his career and his love life intact up until about a year ago. Dispatch had released pictures of Kyungsoo on vacation with a man and spread the rumour that they were in a relationship. It was a trying time for both men involved with their names being slandered all over the internet and the company’s stock dropping drastically.

What made it worse was that the other man was also a celebrity; Kai was the famous lead dancer of an internationally successful dance group and Kyungsoo’s long term boyfriend. They had been dating in secret for four years at that point. Just when they thought it was all over for both of them sudden support had come filtering through from international fans of both the actor and dancer. Over the next few months, many Korean netizens also expressed their support and so they had decided to confirm the rumour.

Still, the number of fans and their net worths had dropped, many of Kyungsoo’s projects had been cancelled and Kai’s Korean appearances had been limited. It was unfair, prejudiced and hurtful but they were thankful that they still had jobs and could now openly be themselves at long last.

They were far from the first openly gay celebrities but they were lucky enough to still be successful and not the butt of every homophobic joke and gag. It's a relief and Kyungsoo is happy he can share these moments with the man he loves more than anything in the world.

On the way home Kyungsoo gives Kai a call. He picks up sounding out of breath.  
“Hey babe.”  
“Hi.” Kyungsoo can feel the tension bleed out of him. Only Kai had that effect. “Did you see the show?”  
“Oh shit, sorry Soo something came up and I missed it. How did it go?”  
Kyungsoo tries not to be disappointed. “Good. Really good. I got best actor.”  
“I knew you could do it babes.”  
“You should search my speech. It’s probably trending right now.” There’s a disturbance in the background and Kai’s voice fades for a moment. “Are you busy?”  
Kai comes back to the phone. “Sorry. I’m in the middle of something. I’ll call you back okay?”  
“Okay.” Kyungsoo answers but the line is already dead.  
\---  
A knock at the door rouses Kyungsoo. He stands from the couch, stretching to alleviate the ache in his back from where he’d fallen asleep on the remote. He looks into the intercom and breaks into a grin when he sees Kai outside. He buzzes him through and goes to meet him at the door.  
“Babe!” Kai grabs Kyungsoo in a hug. “Congrats.”  
Kyungsoo wraps his arms around his boyfriend, burying his face in his favourite place in the world- the crook of Kai’s neck. It always made him feel protected. Except today when he smelled different.

Kyungsoo pulls back and looks up at Kai. His hair is damp like he’d just showered but it didn't smell like his usual shampoo. He had on a t-shirt that Kyungsoo had never seen before. One size too small he notices.  
“I watched the speech on the way over.” Kai nuzzles into Kyungsoo’s side. “What an adorable little thing you are.”  
“Hmmm...” Kyungsoo says, still distracted. The perfume Kai smelled of was too familiar.  
“It’s the number one search item right now. The impact you have Soo.”  
“Where were you?” Kyungsoo asks abruptly.  
Kai is visibly startled. “At the studio.”  
“With who?” Kyungsoo has a good idea who but he prays he’s wrong. Please, please, please….  
“Sehun.”  
Kyungsoo inhales sharply. Of course. Sehun’s signature perfume. How could he have missed it. A lump forms in his throat.  
“What’s wrong?” Kai asks.  
“The ' _something_ ' that came up. The thing you were ' _in the middle of_ '.... was it Sehun?”  
“What?”  
“What were you doing at the studio Kai?”  
“Dancing what else would I be doing there?” Kai says a little nervously.  
“Oh I don’t know, maybe fucking Sehun?” The words taste vile in his mouth.  
Kai’s eyes widen. “W-what? Babe what are you talking about?”  
Kyungsoo scoffs. “ _Babe_? You have the nerve to call me babe when you’ve just come back from cheating on me with _Sehun_?”  
“Kyungsoo-” The expression on Kai’s face is enough to confirm it for him.  
“On my big night? While l risked everything I've struggled for to confess to you live you were _fucking_ Sehun? Fuck you.” Kyungsoo has to fight the shake out of his voice, storming out because suddenly his house is too small and suffocating and his tears are threatening to spill.

He hails a cab, far too worked up to drive safely right now. He asks the driver to take him to Kai’s studio. He’ll probably regret going there but he has to see it for himself to believe it. They arrive way too quickly and Kyungsoo stands outside for a few minutes, hesitating.

In all honesty, he had kind of known something was up for a while now but was too scared of what that meant to admit it to himself. Just after their news broke, Kai had started acting strange. He didn’t visit Kyungsoo as much, spent more time in his studio and acted distant at times. He could tell something had changed but before Kyungsoo could put a name to it, his old Kai was back and it was as though nothing had happened.

Thinking it was just the stress, Kyungsoo had let it go even though it still bothered him from time to time. Then, a few weeks ago Kai had gotten rid of his Mercedes and bought a brand new Range Rover. That had thrown Kyungsoo off, bringing back his suspicions. Kai loved his Mercedes more than anything on the planet (“ _Second only to you, Soo_.”).

When he’d asked, Kai had just shrugged and made a comment about leg room. He had laughed at that because it was no secret that Kyungsoo was short, so short that even if they did fuck in the car there was never any issue with space. Now, it makes sense. Sehun was very tall.

Finally, Kyungsoo gathers himself and steps inside. The dance hall is empty, the lights all turned out. There is light spilling from under the changing room door though and he can hear the shower running. He turns on the overhead lights just as the shower turns off. A minute later Sehun emerges from the changing rooms, a towel wrapped around his waist. Kyungsoo’s eyes immediately zero in on the purpling marks on Sehun’s broad shoulders and across his bare chest. Kai loved biting.

Sehun spots him and gasps, his step faltering. “H-hey.”  
Kyungsoo smiles. “You’re here late.”  
“Yeah just practising.” A phone goes off in the corner of the room and Seun glances over briefly but doesn’t move to get it. Seconds later Kyungsoo’s phone in his pocket rings. He doesn't have to check to know who it is. The order of the calls were not lost on him either.  
“Were you ‘just practising’ Sehun-ah or were you fucking my boyfriend?”  
Sehun draws in a sharp breath and his eyes flicker over to a mat placed in front of the floor to ceiling mirrors. Fuck. Kai had mentioned his interest in mirrors a few times.  
“Hyung-”  
“Don’t you dare call me that.” Kyungsoo snaps. “Ever again.”  
“Look I-” Sehun takes a step towards him.  
Kyungsoo steps back. “How long?”  
“I-”  
“Fucking answer me Sehun. How long?”  
Sehun hesitates, face scrunched up like he’s in pain. “Five months.”  
“Fuck!” Kyungsoo whispers. "Are you shitting me Sehun? Five months? And you had the audacity to come ring shopping with me not one month ago."  
Sehun starts to move towards him again but Kyungsoo glares, stopping him in his tracks. “Tell Auntie and Uncle I won’t be able to make it this weekend after all. I don’t have much of an appetite for family dinners all of a sudden.”

He leaves with his head held high, waiting until he’s walked around the corner to collapse against the wall and let the tears run down his face. He pretends not to see the Range Rover pull up outside the studio.

**Jongin**

“Everyone, how did you like today’s show?” Jongin asks into the camera. He looks away from the comments to cross the road and then continues reading as he walks.

“ _It was great Jongin!_ ”, “ _We love you Nini!_ ”, “ _That gimbap looked so good I'll need to visit one day_!”, “ _It’s dark tonight be careful <3_.”

“Looks like everyone enjoyed it. Maybe I'll do more eating broadcasts. Would you like that?” Instantly hundreds of messages of agreement fly across the screen, making Jongin giggle. “Wow! Okay I got it more food content is- _oof_.”

Something small and swaying bumps into Jongin, knocking the camera out of his hand. Jongin reaches out to steady the clearly shitfaced man.

“Sir are you okay?” He asks, turning the stranger to face him.  
The man is wrapped up so tight that Jongin can’t even see his eyes. Carefully, he pulls down the scarf that is wrapped around the bottom half of the man’s face and gasps. Those heart-shaped lips were recognisable anywhere.

 _No freaking way_! It couldn't be who he thought it was. Right?

Hardly believing it, Jongin pulls the beanie off the man’s head and slaps a hand over his mouth in shock when he sees Do Kyungsoo’s alcohol-flushed face staring back at him. Kyungsoo blinks rapidly, turning his head from side to side.

Not finding anything on the empty street, he looks back up at Jongin and a beautiful smile breaks across his face. “Where am I?”

“Uh...” Jongin can barely wrap his head around the fact that a drunk Do Kyungsoo had just bumped into him on the street. Do Kyungsoo, Jongin’s favourite actor and celebrity crush, had _literally just walked into him_. Jongin wonders if maybe _he’s_ drunk.

Suddenly remembering his fallen camera, Jongin lets go of Kyungsoo to pick it up. The comment section is going wild asking him what happened and if he’s okay. He apologises to the viewers before quickly wishing them a good night and turns the live off. Turning his attention back to the actor he finds that he’s wandered off and is teetering on the curb, dangerously close to the cars.

Jongin surges forward and pulls Kyungsoo to safety. “Hey, careful.”  
Kyungsoo squints at Jongin, peering closely at him. “You! You...look...”  
“You’re Do Kyungsoo right?” Jongin asks gently.  
“Kai? Is that?” He slurs then hiccups. “Kai!”  
Kyungsoo’s hands come up to grab Jongin’s face, startling him. Then he lifts himself up on his tiptoes and plants a sloppy kiss on Jongin’s lips. Jongin can’t do anything but stare. Kyungsoo pulls away and this time his smile is sad. His cheeks are damp with tears. Jongin gapes, no suitable words forming for this crazy situation he’s found himself in. Before he can figure out a response, Kyungsoo sighs deeply and collapses against his chest.  
\---  
"Thank you for helping me prepare breakfast today guys!" Jongin waves his spatula cutely.

" _Can you cook for me please?_ " " _How are you so good at everything?_ " " _Who's the soup for_?" " _Will you sing for us_?" " _You made so much food!_ "

"I will come back very soon with a singing session for you guys I promise. In the meantime everyone have a good day at work or school and don't skip breakfast please okay? I need you to be healthy."

Jongin reads a few more comments and then logs off. The viewers were right, he did make a lot today but he had a guest so it was only right. He sets two places and puts the food down on the table, adding the hangover soup to the seat opposite his. He's almost done cleaning up when he hears a thud from the bedroom.

He rushes over to find a bleary eyed Kyungsoo on the floor with the duvet caught around his legs. He sits in confusion, squinting in the light. Jongin looks at his favourite actor who he watches nearly every day on tv and is shocked at how different he looks in real life.

Maybe it has something to do with the dark circles under his eyes or his sleep-mussed hair or the fact that he's hungover as fuck. Jongin thinks it's probably the sadness radiating off him in place of the usual bright energy Kyungsoo seems to emit at all times.  
"You okay?"  
Kyungsoo jumps, head whipping around to face Jongin. His eyes widen and he scuttles backwards until his back hits the bed. "What the…"  
Jongin steps into the room but stops short when Kyungsoo recoils.  
"You...You're not...who?" Kyungsoo stumbles over his words, his voice cracking.  
Jongin frowns, not quite understanding the wild look in Kyungsoo's eyes. "I'm Kim Jongin. You bumped into me last night and passed out so I brought you home since I don't know where you live. I hope that's okay."  
Kyungsoo's eyebrows knit together in confusion. He opens his mouth then closes it again. "Kim-"  
"Yes. Kim Jongin. Are you okay? You look like you've seen a ghost- Oh my God!" Jongin slaps his forehead, the realisation finally hitting him. "Kai, right? I look like your boyfriend that must have been shocking for you."  
"You're not…" Kyungsoo doesn't look like he's understanding anything.

Jongin leaves to get him some water and a pain killer for the headache he most definitely has. When he returns Kyungsoo hasn't moved an inch. He sets the water close by and steps back. Kyungsoo follows his every move, eyes glued to his face.

Jongin understands. He does look startlingly similar to the dancer, so much so that he gets stopped and asked for autographs every day. Personally he thinks Kai is much more handsome than him though. Thanks to their similar looks, a modelling agency had contacted Jongin and signed him as their model straight after he had graduated from college.

Years later, Jongin is one of the top influencers in Korea and he had thousands of fans of his own now. He is a semi-celebrity mainly modelling for magazines and walking runways but in his down time he liked to stream for his fans. They loved watching him do mundane everyday things like eat or cook or play games and occasionally he would sing for them too.

"Drink some water, you'll feel better. And I've made breakfast, you can wash up and come when you're ready." Jongin points to his ensuite and gives Kyungsoo some space.

  
He mentally kicks himself for not taking down the numerous posters he has of Kyungsoo on his walls. That might make him uncomfortable. He wants to ask what had made the actor drink so much last night and look so sad in the morning but he doesn't want to pry. They're still strangers after all. Jongin knows who Kyungsoo is but there's a chance Jongin is a nobody to Kyungsoo.

A few minutes later Kyungsoo emerges from the bedroom. It was obvious he'd tried to make himself presentable but he doesn't look much better. Exhaustion and sadness can't be washed off after all. Kyungsoo avoids looking at him, bows and mumbles what Jongin thinks is _thank you_ and _sorry_. He grabs his hat, scarf and coat from where Jongin had left it on the couch and dashes out before Jongin can stop him.

The door clicks shut and Jongin feels like he's just waking up from a dream. No way had his celebrity crush of three years bumped into him, kissed him, fallen asleep in his arms and woken up in his bed. Not in a million years was that even a possible scenario. But it had happened. The extra breakfast and his sheets that smelt faintly of alcohol the only remaining proof.  
\---  
The doorbell is loud and constant, ringing in Jongin's ear as he tries to sleep. He groans, blinking one eye open to look at the clock.

It's 1 am. What the hell.

He rolls out of bed and stumbles to answer the door. In his hazy state it takes him a moment to recognise Kyungsoo standing on his doorstep with a black cap pulled low over his face. Those lips are undeniable though. Jongin can't stop thinking about how soft they are.

"Holy shit!" He curses realising he's in a pair of tiny red briefs and nothing else. Not even normal briefs but the modelling kind that covers nothing and is purely for show. Cheeks flushing he hides himself behind the door. He needn't have bothered, Kyungsoo was looking everywhere _but_ him.

"I can't find my wallet. I think I left it here yesterday." Kyungsoo mumbles, his gaze fixated on the doormat. Why won't he look at him?

A sudden flash goes off and both men startle. Kyungsoo whips around scanning the area. Jongin spots the cameraman crouched behind his bear-shaped hedge. Kyungsoo spots him too, releasing a string of curses and darts away into his car. Jongin watches him leave (again) and wonders exactly what kind of person he was in his previous life for things like this to keep happening to him. Another flash goes off and Jongin slams his door closed.

By the time he wakes up the next morning, the article has been released and is trending on every site. All of Jongin's social media and streaming sites are jam packed with comments both good and bad. He takes a few minutes to sift through the articles.

**Actor Do Kyungsoo visits influencer Jongin at 1 am for secret rendezvous**

**Do Kyungsoo cheats on Kai with look alike model?**

**Exclusive: Kim Jongin caught unaware in his underwear**

He doesn't bother reading the comments, nothing good ever came of that. He notices however that Kyungsoo’s agency was yet to release a statement so he calls Minseok to come over. He has a plan.  
\---  
Jongin steps out of his car and confidently walks into Kyungsoo's company building. Minseok follows behind him, still a little uncertain but Jongin has enough conviction for the both of them. Immediately heads turn to look (Jongin had specifically chosen the most flattering clothes he had for this charade) and when people recognise who it is phones come out of pockets to take pictures.

Jongin poses and even stops to sign an autograph on his way to the reception desk. "Hi, I'd like to see Do Kyungsoo please."  
The reception lady remains professional despite her colleagues making a fuss in the background. "Do you have an appointment?"  
"Uh… no I don't." He hadn't thought of that. "If it's not too much trouble can you tell him Kim Jongin is here please."  
"Of course, just one moment." She types at her computer for a minute before turning back to him. "You may go up. He's on the fourth floor in the office at the end of the corridor."  
"Thank you."  
"Are you sure about this?" Minseok whispers in the overcrowded elevator. It seemed everyone wanted to get on with them. Jongin thinks no but says yes.

The fourth floor is thankfully empty and they get to the office with no issues. Minseok pulls at his sleeve but Jongin knocks on the door before he can be convinced to leave.  
"Come in." A voice calls.  
Inside, Kyungsoo is sitting in a wheelie chair, facing away from them. Another man is with him and he steps forward to greet them.  
Jongin shakes his hand. "Manager Zhang nice to meet you."  
The manager looks surprised. "How did you-?"  
"Ah, truthfully I'm a fan of Kyungsoo's. You appear quite a lot in his previews and photos."  
The manager smiles. "I see, please call me Yixing. I'm glad you reached out to us. We were going to contact you about the situation anyway but I have to say it is a little risky to be coming here at this time. The press will go crazy."  
"Actually, it's part of the plan."  
Yixing raises an eyebrow. "Please have a seat."  
They sit and Yixing calls for some drinks. Kyungsoo hasn't moved to face them.  
"We noticed that you haven't released a statement yet." Minseok begins.  
"Ah...we are still in the process of figuring out the best way to deal with everything. The timing and pictures are very...suggestive and we're not sure how it can be explained. Honestly, even I'm not aware of the full story." Yixing looks pointedly at Kyungsoo who ignores him.  
"Come to think of it, neither am I." Minseok says frowning at Jongin.  
"I have an idea." Jongin ignores his manager too. "Paris Fashion week is coming up soon. Have your company decided on who is going?"  
"Not yet."  
"I'll be going as a participant rather than a guest. I was thinking we could announce a collaboration between Kyungsoo and I before the event."  
"What kind of collaboration?" Yixing asks.  
"I've been working on a fashion line for a couple of years now and it wasn't going to be released until the end of the year but I think I can afford to rush the release date by a few months and showcase my own pieces in Paris rather than the sponsored ones I was originally going to use."  
"Where does Kyungsoo fit into this?"  
"I propose we make him our main model. The plan was to have me model all the pieces but having both of us modelling would be the opposite of a problem for me. Kyungsoo can accompany me as a guest to the event." Jongin explains.  
Yixing nods. "That's not a bad deal. We can explain his being at your house as a work related thing. The timing is a little off but we'll work with it. Your clothing however will have to be left undiscussed."  
Jongin blushes. His picture had gone viral and although he looked amazing it was incredibly embarrassing. He was never going to sleep in his underwear again.  
For the first time since they came in Kyungsoo looks at him. "Why?"  
"Hm?"  
"Why would you do this for me?"  
"As I said before, I'm your fan, I want to help. Plus working with you just means more exposure and profit for me so I'm not losing out. Besides I'm as much a part of this scandal as you are and I'd rather not be labelled as a homewrecker for the rest of my career."  
Kyungsoo is looking through him rather than at him. "What if I don't want to work with you?"  
Jongin hadn't expected that reaction. "I'd say you're being unreasonable. I'm pulling us both out of a mess that technically you created."  
"I hardly-"  
"Was it not you that knocked into me drunk off your face? Did you not pass out on me? Were you not the one that left your wallet in my house after sleeping over in my bed? Didn't you come knocking on my door at 1 o'clock in the morning unannounced without checking for reporters first?"  
Yixing and Minseok look equal parts scandalized and shocked. Kyungsoo clicks his tongue but doesn't respond.  
"Uh…" Yixing says. "We'll have to work out the details and write up a contract. Minseok would you mind coming with me to discuss this with my superiors?"  
"Of course. Jongin will you be okay waiting here?"  
Jongin nods and the managers leave. Kyungsoo has stopped looking at him again. He stands and moves towards the door.  
"Here." Jongin throws Kyungsoo’s wallet at him.  
Kyungsoo turns just in time to catch it. "Thank you… for this and everything else too."  
Jongin barely has time to reply before Kyungsoo is gone.

This was going to be interesting.

**Kyungsoo**

  
Kyungsoo walks out and heads to the break room calm and collected. Always calm, always put together. Well less so recently. In two days he'd been cheated on by his boyfriend of five years with his _cousin_ , got wasted like he'd never been before, bumped into what could be ex's twin, slept in a complete stranger's house, created the top scandal of the year and somehow been labelled as a dirty cheater in a cruel turn of events.

He doesn't remember much of what had happened two days prior. After his confrontation with Sehun he had walked into a bar and drunk until his stomach hurt and his brain felt like a cloud. He can remember leaving but everything after that is a blur until the next morning when he woke up in Jongin's bed.

Seeing Jongin was like a slap to the face. He panicked, thinking he had crawled back to Kai after a few drinks but then Jongin had spoken and he sobered up enough to realise that this wasn't his ex. It was just his luck to have ended up with Kai 2.0 though. Despite knowing they weren't the same people, the resemblance was too striking for him to get over. Even now, seeing Jongin makes his chest squeeze uncomfortably tight around his heart.

He shouldn't have gone back for his wallet. Sending Yixing would have been a better idea but when he had discovered it missing he had gone into a panic, remembering the ornate key he kept in it. He'd rushed all over the city looking in bar after bar until he remembered Jongin.

It was only after the reporter had caught him and he'd run away that he'd had a moment of clarity and wondered exactly what the fuck he was doing. The key was the first gift Kai had ever given him. Now he was stuck in this situation that he only had himself to blame for.

He opens the wallet and pulls out the key that had caused this mess. Its small, barely bigger than the nail of his thumb and made of silver. Kai had a bangle with a tiny keyhole that only this key could open.  
" _Because you are the only one I will let in and allow to see me. You're the only one that can unlock my heart._ " Kai had said when he'd asked Kyungsoo out all those years ago.

What utter bullshit.

His hand hovers over the trash can, willing himself to just let go and get rid of the thing but he can't bring himself to do it. "Fucking hell Kyungsoo get your shit together!"  
"Soo." Kyungsoo whips around to face Yixing. Yixing is always a calming presence. "Take it easy, Soo."  
"I'm fine, I'm okay. What happened with the contract?"  
"The basics have been sorted but we're going to have to figure it all out slowly. I've asked them to hold off any decisions until tomorrow though."  
"Why, did something happen?"  
Yixing sits on the couch in the corner and beckons Kyungsoo over. "Look, I'm your best friend Kyungsoo and I know you. I know something happened with Kai and I can guess what that something was."  
Kyungsoo bites his lip. "Sorry I just-"  
"No, don't apologise. I understand, you can tell me in your own time. What I'm concerned about is if you're going to be okay working with Jongin. Seeing him will be a constant reminder and if you're not comfortable with it then I won't allow it to go forward."  
"But the scandal…"  
"We'll figure something else out. You matter more to me. I don't want an answer right now. Think it over tonight and you can decide tomorrow, okay?"  
Kyungsoo nods. Yixing smiles at him and extends his arms. Kyungsoo gratefully inserts himself into them, laying his head on Yixing's chest. He fights back tears at the simple yet genuine gesture. Yixing is always there for him with the right amount of support and not too much prying. What did he do to deserve Yixing?  
"You're right." Kyungsoo says eventually. "About something happening. And what that something was. But you'll never guess who the someone is."  
Yixing strokes his hair. "You don't have to."  
"Sehun."  
"Mother _fucker_!" Yixing always reverts back to Chinese when he's shocked.  
Kyungsoo can't help but laugh at his tone. "More like cousin fucker."  
"Now is not the time for jokes! I'm going to skin both those bastards." Kyungsoo knows Yixing couldn't hurt a fly to save his life but his anger is appreciated. "Have you spoken to Kai?"  
Kyungsoo swallows the bitter taste in his throat. "Nope. Not one call or message since that day."  
"Holy fuck he's a dick. And Sehun?"  
"Non stop calls, messages, voice mails. even a letter in the post."  
Yixing chuckles at that. "Sounds like Sehun. I can't believe him. Your favourite little cousin. _Our_ favourite little cousin."  
Kyungsoo sighs. "Christmas is going to be so awkward."  
"You can come to China with me and celebrate with my family this year. My granny won't shut up about you."  
"Thank you Yixing. I love you."  
"Ew gross."  
Kyungsoo pinches him.  
\----  
Later that night Kyungsoo is absently flicking through his latest script when his phone rings. "Hey Xing."  
"Listen you can say no but we totally forgot about tonight."  
"What's tonight?" Kyungsoo asks.  
"Ji Sub Hyung's get together." Yixing answers.  
"Oh shit. That's tonight?"  
"Look if you just wanna relax it's fine I'll make an excuse."  
Kyungsoo shakes his head. "Of course I'm going how can I say no to Hyung."  
Yixing pauses. "You know Kai will be there right?"  
Of course he would. But why should Kyungsoo hide? It's not like he was the one who committed a sin. "I'm sure. Pick me up."  
"Be there in an hour."

The party is in Ji Sub's penthouse suite. It's mainly actor friends and a few other celebrities in attendance and of course the reporters. Always reporters. Kyungsoo is able to avoid any questions thanks to Yixing who holds them off.

He's not in the mood for mingling so after greeting the host and a couple of friends he stands in a corner with Yixing. Kai had yet to make an appearance.  
"Sorry for making you come."  
"Nah I wanted to." He didn't. Yixing shifts on his feet next to him. "Do you need to piss?"  
Yixing laughs. "I'm dying to."  
"Go. I'm not a baby I'll be okay by myself."  
"Are you sure? I can hold it." Yixing looks like he’s about to burst right there.  
"I swear to God if you piss yourself at this age-"  
"I'm going I'm going! Be back in a sec."  
Kyungsoo watches him waddle off with a smile. Yixing was an idiot. When he's alone he kind of wishes Yixing hadn't gone. Even though he knows all these people today he feels alone and out of place. He just wants to go home.

It's just at that moment that Kai decides to make his entrance. Kyungsoo feels the breath leave his lungs at the sight of him. It's only been two days but it could have been a lifetime ago that Kyungsoo last saw him. He's wearing a simple red suit but on Kai it looks exquisite. His hair is dyed a light chestnut colour. The colour Kyungsoo loved on him the most. Fuck. He was so beautiful.

Then Kyungsoo looks behind him and feels his heart actually stop for a beat. Kai had come with Sehun. Holy fuck. Sehun makes eye contact with him and immediately looks away, his cheeks colouring.

Everything is in slow motion for Kyungsoo. The reporters advancing on him, Kai turning to look at him with a smile blossoming across his face, Kai walking towards him, the cameras flashing. If this is a dream Kyungsoo wants to wake up. He clenches the glass in his hands, willing them not to shake. He's an actor. He should act. He could do this.

"Hey babe," Kai leans in to kiss his cheek. He smells like Sehun.  
"Hi." Where was Yixing?

" _Kyungsoo-ssi why did you and Kai not arrive together?"_  
_"Are the rumours true? Did you cheat on him?"_  
_"Why haven't you released a statement yet?"_  
_"Kai have you forgiven him for cheating on you?"_

Kyungsoo can't think. His brain has become mush. None of it feels real. Kai comes to the rescue, wrapping an arm around his waist. Kyungsoo’s skin burns with the contact.  
"There seems to have been a misunderstanding-" But Kai is cut off by a commotion at the door when of all people Jongin enters. He looks startled as the reporters rush him, Minseok's attempts at holding them off unsuccessful. Kai glances at Kyungsoo as though he has the answers.

He doesn't. What the fuck was even happening? Where was Yixing? Why was he here in this mess? Everything was spiralling out of control and Kyungsoo wants to scream. Jongin stutters and flinches with every flash of the cameras. Kyungsoo pushes Kai's arm off his waist and steps away.

"Since the situation has turned out like this, I should explain," He begins. His voice is loud and strong. He's an actor, he should act. "A statement has yet to be released as we are trying to figure out how to deal with this without harming anyone in the process. Without revealing too much, he is a colleague of mine. Please wait for our announcement."

By now the party has come to a standstill, everyone listening in. Jongin watches him with an expression that Kyungsoo can't figure out. Kai just looks confused and Sehun doesn't lift his eyes from the floor.

"I will say this though, I did not cheat on Kai. In my opinion cheating is the worst thing you can do to someone who put all their trust in you and I would _never_ do that to someone I love and care about." Sehun raises his head to look at Kyungsoo, his eyes wet. "I would like to apologise to the host and guests for interrupting your time."

The reporters start asking questions but Yixing finally returns and herds them away.  
"Kyungsoo." Kai says.  
"Don't." Kyungsoo stops him.  
Kai nods and walks away. Back to Sehun he notices. Kyungsoo downs his glass in one shot.  
"Hey." Jongin says from behind him. Fucking hell. Kyungsoo can't catch a break. "It would be weird if I avoided you after that so I thought I'd say hi."  
"Hello."  
There's a moment of silence where Jongin watches him carefully. "Why are you here by yourself, shouldn't you be with your boyfriend?"  
Kyungsoo can't keep the grimace off his face. Jongin notices it and looks over at Kai who is talking to Sehun. Kai takes Sehun's hand and squeezes it briefly. Kyungsoo downs another drink.

Jongin looks back at Kyungsoo then again at Kai, the realisation dawning on him. "Oh. My. _God_. No _way_ …. Kai was the one cheat- Holy shit no. Wait, with Oh Sehun? Your _cousin_? That's messed up."  
"Are you done?" Kyungsoo snaps.  
"Crap. Sorry I just- I'm sorry."  
"Whatever." Kyungsoo fights to keep his face neutral. There were too many cameras pointed in their direction.

Kyungsoo glances at Kai and finds him looking at them. He whispers something to Sehun and then makes his way back over. Jongin watches him like he's witnessing a star falling.  
"Hi, you must be Jongin." Kai extends his hand.  
Jongin stares a little before shaking it. "Hi. Yes. I am."  
Kyungsoo stands to the side, feeling increasingly uncomfortable. His brain can't comprehend the two almost identical men in front of him. The alcohol churns in his stomach.  
"It's nice to finally meet you." Kai smiles. "I've heard so much about you."  
"Ah yes me too. I was a fan."  
Kai's gaze flickers to Kyungsoo. "You _were_?"  
"Oh. Did I say was? I meant am." Jongin chuckles nervously.  
"Right. Well, enjoy the party."  
"Yes." Jongin smiles until Kai turns his back. "Oh man I _hate_ him."  
"Why would you hate him?"  
"Are you kidding me he cheated on my cru- favourite actor. That's gross how can I still admire him after knowing that."  
Kyungsoo doesn't answer, instead scanning the room for Yixing. It was time to head home.  
"Um." Jongin taps his arm. "This might be out of place but I understand why you're so uncomfortable around me now. If you don't want to take the deal that's totally fine we can figure something else out. I don't want to put you in an awkward situation."  
Kyungsoo wonders why Jongin is so nice. "I think I'm stuck with you now since I made that speech. Regardless of whether I'm uncomfortable or not. I'll get Yixing to contact you."

He picks up another drink.

**Jongin**

  
Jongin watches Kyungsoo watching Kai who has his eyes glued to Sehun. Sehun looks like he's three seconds away from a meltdown and barely looks at anything but his shoes.

Every time Kai touches Sehun, Kyungsoo takes a shot. Everytime Kyungsoo takes a shot, Jongin inches closer. He knows what Kyungsoo looks like when he's hammered and he's not far off right now. The thunderous look on his face makes him think Kyungsoo is going to do something he'll regret later. He can't see Yixing anywhere and is at a loss. If he gets involved the rumours will get worse but if he doesn't Kyungsoo is going to get hurt. It was a lose-lose situation.

"Jongin!" Ji Sub hugs him. "I'm sorry for asking you to come and putting you through this. I should have thought this through a little better."  
"Ah, Hyung don't worry. I'm not the one most affected anyway."  
Ji Sub glances at Kyungsoo. "Yes I can see that. It looks like we're very close to a disaster. Where has Yixing got to?"  
Jongin shrugs. "No idea but he better hurry back."  
Ji Sub looks thoughtful. "Can I ask you a favour?"  
"Of course Hyung."  
"I'll get Kyungsoo away from the reporters. Could you drive him home? He's been through enough the last few days. Another scandal isn't going to help him."  
Jongin notices Kyungsoo is starting to sway on his feet. "Yeah, sure."  
"Thank you. Do you know where he lives?"  
"I don't know much about him at all."  
Ji Sub laughs. "Kyungsoo is like that. Come, let's stop him before it’s too late."

Jongin waits while Ji Sub leads a very unwilling Kyungsoo out of the room, giving them a few minutes before following after them. He glances at Kai before making his exit. Kai is watching him with a frown. Jongin doesn’t miss the way his hand rests on Sehun’s arm.

Jongin wants to punch him.

**Kyungsoo**

  
He was never going to drink again.

Kyungsoo rolls onto his back, kicking the too warm duvet off him. Where the hell was he? He sits up and frowns, looking around his own bedroom. He’s still wearing the suit he’d put on for the party, even his socks still on his feet. Kyungsoo never sleeps with socks. He pats around for his phone and finds it under the pillow. It’s only 11:30 pm. How had he gotten home?

Kyungsoo stands, swaying dangerously as his head spins. His stomach heaves and he curses himself for drinking so much. He’s taken two steps when the bedroom door opens and a freshly showered Kai walks in.

No, not Kai. It’s Jongin wearing one of Kai’s t-shirts and a pair of sweatpants that were still at Kyungsoo’s place. Kai has a slightly bigger build and a lot more muscle, so the t-shirt is too big and hangs loosely on Jongin’s body, showing off his sharp collarbones. Kyungsoo traces the droplets from his damp hair soak into his top. His chest tightens uncomfortably and he slumps back onto the bed.

“Oh!” Jongin says. “You’re up.”  
“What the fuck are you doing here?”  
“Ji Sub Hyung asked me to take you home because we couldn’t find Yixing. And then Yixing called and said it was okay for me to take a shower and borrow some clothes since you puked all over me. He got caught up but he'll be back as soon as he can.”  
“I did what?” Kyungsoo doesn’t remember a thing beyond Kai and Sehun.  
“Vomited. I’m like your number one fan but it was gross as hell.” He pulls a face.

  
Kyungsoo is still uncomfortable with Jongin’s openness about the fact that he admires him. Any kind of attention makes Kyungsoo cringe and Jongin is so straightforward he doesn't know how to react.  
“You should go.”  
Jongin’s face drops but then he smiles. “Oh, I'm sorry. I’ll-”  
The doorbell rings and Kyungsoo groans. “Wait here while I get that.”  
He stands again, almost tripping over air but Jongin catches him around the waist and holds him up. He smells like Kai. He must have used Kai’s shampoo. Kyungsoo recoils and pushes Jongin away from him, ignoring the hurt expression on is face. He stumbles to the door and pulls it open.

  
For the love of God and all things holy. He's too drunk and yet somehow still too sober for this. He lets his head thunk against the door frame and takes in a deep breath.

  
“Soo are you okay?” Kai asks.  
“Please.” Kyungsoo begs someone. Anyone. “What are you doing here?”  
"I just came to check up on you. You were drinking pretty fast."  
Kyungsoo sighs. "I'm fine please leave."  
Kai steps closer. "You don't look so good."  
"Kai. I am fine please go away."  
"I think we should-"  
Kyungsoo takes a step back. "I don't think so."  
"Okay, okay but I'm curious about this Jongin kid."  
"You have no right to be curious or concerned about anything involving me. You're not my boyfriend anymore."  
"I know, I-" Kai looks behind Kyungsoo and stops talking.  
Kyungsoo turns to see Jongin peeking out from the living room. "For fucks sake."  
"What the hell Kyungsoo?" Kai demands. "What's he doing here?"  
"Like I said it's none of your fucking business." Kyungsoo's head is going to explode.  
"Is he wearing my clothes?" Kai asks.  
Jongin gasps and looks down at what he's wearing. "They were the only things that fit."  
"Kyungsoo explain yourself."  
Kyungsoo scoffs. "I don't owe you anything Kai just fuck off out of here."  
Kai sneers. "Don't tell me the papers were right. Are you cheating on me with that guy just because he looks like me?"  
Rage bubbles in Kyungsoo's stomach. His head is already pounding and all this bullshit is overwhelming him. He is gonna fucking combust-

Suddenly there's a shout of pain and a thud. Kyungsoo blinks down at Kai on the floor, cradling his jaw. He hadn't punched Kai had he?  
"Don't you _dare_ talk to him like that." Jongin glowers. His hands are fisted by his sides, one of them a little bruised.  
Kai picks himself up and rounds on Jongin. "What the fuck do you think you're doing?"  
Jongin, to his credit, steps closer. "Listen here you little bitch. What gives you the right to walk around demanding explanations from him and making accusations when _you're_ the one who cheated and broke _his_ trust? You're an entitled, selfish dick and Kyungsoo doesn't have to take _shit_ from you. He's not cheating on you because you're not his boyfriend anymore. You are lower than the dirt on my shoes and you don't deserve someone like him so _fuck off_!"

Kyungsoo hadn't really noticed it until now but other than saying shit, Jongin never swore. Hearing it coming from his mouth is shocking.

Kai huffs out a laugh and stalks off. Jongin watches him, his hands clenched and shoulders tense. He turns to Kyungsoo and gives him a weak smile. "Sorry that was probably out of place but I suddenly got mad. I won't get involved in your business anymore." Then, he's gone.

Kyungsoo shuts the door and slides down onto the floor. He puts his head between his legs, so so tired of everything. His stomach gurgles but there's nothing left to puke up. He stands, vision swimming and drags himself to the kitchen. He should eat something he knows, it had been hours since his last meal and he'd drunk enough to drown his liver, but the only thing he has is leftover noodles and he can't even think of eating it without gagging.

To his surprise there is a tray of food on the kitchen table. A bowl of cold broth, some fresh yogurt and fruits and a glass of honey water. He knows he didn't have any ingredients at home so Jongin must have gone out to get some. Again he wonders why Jongin was so nice. It made hating him hard. His stomach rumbles again so he sits and powers through the food. He feels a lot better afterwards and manages to take a cold shower before collapsing back into bed.

That night his dreams are a mess of faces and words. Kyungsoo doesn't know if he's seeing Kai or Jongin.

**Jongin**

  
"Hello my friends!" Jongin grins into the camera like he does almost every day. But today is different because today Kyungsoo is here.

They're sat in a little room, bare apart from a sofa and dressing table, waiting to be called in for the press conference. Jongin and Kyungsoo had signed a contract that morning and were getting ready to announce the collaboration to the media. Both had been dressed and had their makeup done so Jongin had decided to talk to his fans a little. He hadn’t streamed since the scandal broke.

"How is everyone doing?" Jongin replies to a few comments but his attention is on Kyungsoo who is sat on the sofa with his eyes closed.  
"I can't stay for long today but I wanted to let you know that I have some exciting news. I'm sure you were all worried since the rumours the other day but don't worry I will explain everything. Sorry for making you worry. To make it up to you I'm going to have another singing session and there's going to be a guest joining me!" The comments fill with ' _Chanyeol Oppa_?' "It looks like you guys are missing Chanyeol huh?"

Chanyeol is Jongin's childhood friend and underground rapper. He's famous for his contrasting on stage and off stage personalities. On stage Chanyeol is a beast but off stage he is an overexcited puppy. Often they sang together and on those days Jongin's views hit the roof because it was rare for the rapper to sing despite his angelic voice.

Jongin can tell Kyungsoo isn't sleeping because his eyelids flutter and he lets out a heavy breath every so often as though he's annoyed. He hasn't spoken a word to Jongin all morning, barely even looking at him as usual. He quickly wraps up his video and says goodbye. When he looks up from his phone Kyungsoo is watching him.  
“Sorry, I must have disturbed you.”

  
Kyungsoo doesn’t respond, just looks at him with an expression of confusion on his face. Jongin feels his cheeks burn under the scrutiny. He doesn’t blame Kyungsoo for his abruptness and bluntness with him, not when he knows the situation but it still hurts even though he knows it's not personal. The door opens and Minseok pokes his head in. He gives Jongin a look but Jongin shrugs it off. It doesn't matter.

The conference goes by, Jongin barely paying attention. He watches Kyungsoo instead, back to his usual friendly and smiling self. Jongin wonders if Kyungsoo would ever spare a smile for him.

As soon as it's over, Kyungsoo is gone. The contract states a lot of public activities together as part of the damage control but Kyungsoo had made it clear that he wanted nothing to do with Jongin unless cameras were involved. It didn't matter.

Minseok notices his mood and takes him out to get his favourite chicken. He can't help but lighten up since he's usually forbidden any fast food due to his strict diet. Even the chicken can't completely lift his spirits though and Minseok notices that too.  
"Jongin."  
Jongin bits into a leg. "I'm fine."  
"Don't be dumb. I can see right through you. What's bothering you?"  
"Nothing I'm okay." Jongin insists.  
Minseok raises an eyebrow. "Really? So your celebrity crush being a rude jerk to you isn't making you upset?"  
Jongin gapes. "How-"  
"Jongin you're hardly subtle. Your eyes are always glued to the guy and you literally drool every time he breathes." Minseok rolls his eyes.  
"I do not!"  
"Yes you do. Everyone but you knows how obvious your crush is. Also don't forget I've been watching you fanboy over him for the last three years."  
Jongin sniffs. "It's just admiration for a wonderful actor. Nothing else."  
"If that's true then good. Keep it that way. I don’t want you getting hurt."  
Jongin chews his chicken thoughtfully. It was just admiration. Right?  
\---  
The first official schedule has Jongin and Kyungsoo sat in a photo studio waiting to be introduced to Jongin's designer and photographer. Yixing and Minseok sit side by side talking quietly in Mandarin. Unlike the talents they manage, they had hit it off pretty well and got on like friends.

Jongin and Kyungsoo couldn't be further than that. They sit opposite each other, neither speaking. Kyungsoo is content to sit still and stare into space. Jongin is a little restless, trying not to stare too much at the actor, the conversation with Minseok still on his mind.

Junmyeon walks in with Baekhyun in tow. "Jongin! Minseok! Good to see you."  
He hugs them both. Baekhyun does the same. Minseok introduces Kyungsoo and Yixing to them and once the hand shaking is done they join them at the table.  
"Jongin." Junmyeon says in a scolding tone. "What's this about rushing the release date?"  
Jongin grimaces."Sorry Hyung we had a situation."  
"We saw." Baekhyun laughs. "Quite a stir the two of you created."  
"Hmmm I did approve of your choice of underwear though." Junmyeon teases.

Jongin blushes. The underwear was something Junmyeon had designed and gifted to him. They were super popular anyway (anything Junmyeon designed was) but since the photo was leaked they had sold out everywhere.

"I do love you Jongin but you're really pushing it by asking to rush this by four whole months." Junmyeon says.

Jongin feels terrible asking them this huge favour. Junmyeon is a legend in the fashion industry and is highly sought after, so his schedule is always packed tight. Not to mention the constant changing nature of fashion means he's always up to his ears in modifications and re-releases.

Baekhyun is also a pretty famous figure for his photography skills. He has enough work just following Junmyeon and his creations but often photographs for celebrity weddings and events when he's asked to. Getting them to even design and photograph his fashion line had been a huge task even though they were close friends.

"Sorry guys." Minseok apologises. "We'll do whatever we can to help out."  
"Not rushing me would be a very big help." Junmyeon tsks. He flicks through the files he'd brought with him thoughtfully. "It's gonna be tough but I'll manage. We'll have to hire a few more staff and Kyungsoo and Jongin need to be on call at all times for me to work with."  
"Sorry." Jongin apologises again.  
Junmyeon's expression softens. "Don't be silly I'm happy to do whatever I can to help you."  
"Ugh." Baekhyun groans. "Stop being gross."  
Junmyeon tugs his hair. "Stop being jealous."  
"As if!"  
"Guys if you don't mind?" Minseok interrupts their bickering.  
"Right." Baekhyun says. "We can shoot the first set of promo pics today. The choice of platform is yours. Both W and Vogue are desperate to have you."

An assistant rushes in, a pile of papers in her hands. She hands them out before rushing off again. Jongin feels guilty because he knows it his fault they're so overworked at the moment.  
"That's the work plan. Look through them and make yourself available for the days you're needed please." Junmyeon tells them before leaving to set up the shoot.

While Junmyeon works on designing the last few pieces of the collection, Kyungsoo and Jongin will shoot four separate promotional shoots to be featured in W, Vogue and two other magazines. They'll have to meet at least twice a week to fit all that in.

While the promotion is taking place, Junmyeon's factory will make the finished pieces, ready to be modelled. They will have to shoot those pictorials on top of the magazine shots.

By the time all the pieces have been designed, made, adjusted and photographed for the website it would be time for the Paris Fashion show where Jongin can walk the runway with his selected pieces.

Soon after the show, the collection will officially be released and Jongin and Kyungsoo will have to attend a couple of launch events together. In the meantime Junmyeon needs to see both of them at least once a week for fittings and concept discussions.

Jongin's head hurts from all the information being thrown at him. He didn't think a cover up would require this much work. But that's not his main concern. He knew he would be seeing Kyungsoo a lot but almost every day for the next three months? He's not confident he can keep his word about not letting his crush develop into something more. Even now, despite Kyungsoo’s indifference to him, he finds himself wondering about the actor and dreaming about his heart shaped lips.

Baekhyun massages his shoulders. "Chin up, your work is just beginning."  
"Don't stress too much I don't want eye bags and saggy skin to overshadow my clothes." Junmyeon calls from where he's preparing the outfits.  
Jongin has no time to answer back as he's rushed out of his seat to get his clothes fitted, his hair styled and his make up done. Kyungsoo is also herded off to a seperate dressing room. Jongin is finished first and is led to the white backdrop that has been set up for them. Kyungsoo walks in a few minutes later and Jongin is blown away by how beautiful he looks.  
"Stop drooling." Minseok reminds him.  
"I'm admiring."  
Minseok scoffs. "Yeah okay stick your tongue back in your mouth."  
Jongin sticks it out.  
The shoot is long and tiring, with outfit and make-up changes every half hour but Kyungsoo is a natural at modelling and so is Jongin so it goes a lot faster than it usually would. The only issue is the awkwardness between the shots because Kyungsoo is as cold as ever towards him. But it doesn't matter Jongin reminds himself.

When they're done Kyungsoo says goodbye to everyone but him.

**Kyungsoo**

He can't believe his luck. Not only does he have to see Jongin almost every day for three months he has to get up close and personal for the photos. Jongin's fashion line is bold, sexy and very sheer. Everything Kyungsoo is not. The clothes feel awful on him, the little cloth there is barely covering anything and next to Jongin he feels short and unattractive.

Because Jongin is _hot_. While his everyday style is warm and cozy, the clothes they're modelling show off his long legs and toned body in a very flattering way. But rather than attract Kyungsoo, seeing this side of Jongin is torture. He looks so much more like Kai in those clothes. During the shoot he'd had to calm himself down numerous times and remind himself that this was not actually Kai.

Maybe he should have listened to Yixing's advice and not signed the contract. It hadn't even been a working week since he'd caught his boyfriend cheating on him. He needed a break. As soon as he thinks that, his phone pings with a notification.

_Kim Nini is going live. Tap to watch._

Yixing had suggested Kyungsoo follow the model on Instagram after the press release. His own Instagram has a couple of million followers but only a handful of posts. He's not very tech savvy and prefers not to post too much online. Despite himself, he taps the notification.

Jongin's face pops up on screen. He's back to the everyday Jongin now, hair falling over his forehead and his face bare. It looks like he's outside, maybe sat under a street light or something. To Kyungsoo he looks tired.

"Hello!" Jongin smiles brightly. "This is a surprise right? I didn't plan to stream today because I had a schedule but I'm feeling a little down, so I thought I'd spend some time with you guys."

Kyungsoo tries to keep up with the many messages of concern but they're too fast so he settles on watching Jongin while he reads instead.

"Thank you everyone. I'm okay, it's just one of those days. Shall we listen to some music? If anyone has suggestions please let me know."

Kyungsoo thinks he might have something to do with his bad mood. Jongin plays a couple of tracks that his fans recommend and although he doesn't say anything, Kyungsoo keeps watching.

"Are you watching Jongin stream?" Yixing's voice startles him.  
"Yeah." He meets Yixing's eyes in the rearview mirror. Yixing raises an eyebrow. "Shut up and just drive."  
"Yes boss." Yixing laughs.

 _Promise_. Kyungsoo types without much thought. He realises his mistake when the comments start going crazy. Jongin furrows his brow as he tries to figure out what was happening. His mouth drops open when he realises.  
"Oh." He whispers. "Hello, Kyungsoo-ssi."

Shit. Kyungsoo shouldn't have done that. _Hi Jongin._

Jongin smiles. "That's the first time you- ah nevermind."  
He cuts himself off and plays Promise. A few minutes of silence goes by and when the last note fades away, Jongin looks back at the camera and Kyungsoo can see that his eyes are damp.  
"I love that song." Jongin says wiping his eyes.

 _Me too_.

The comments have slowed down enough that Kyungsoo is able to read a few. Most of them are the same. ' _OMG so lucky you get to work with your crush!_ ' Jongin sees the comments too and blushes. Even in the dark street, his red cheeks are visible.

"Thank you for watching guys! It's getting late so we should all get ready to sleep. Have a good night everyone!" Jongin looks flustered as he shuts off the live.

Kyungsoo smiles to himself. It's not like he wasn't aware. He'd seen the posters of his own face in Jongin's bedroom and Jongin had the kind of face where all his feelings were written as clear as day. It was just a silly celebrity crush anyway, it would pass.  
Kyungsoo is brushing his teeth when Jongin's half comment comes back to him.

" _That's the first time you- ah nevermind."_

That was the first time Kyungsoo had said Jongin's name.  
\---  
He tries to be nicer to Jongin but it's hard. Everytime he sees him from the corner of his eye he whips around expecting to see Kai. Whenever Jongin talks he expects to hear Kai's voice. When neither thing happens, he's thrown off. It's better to just not look or listen.

Jongin is just a painful reminder that Kyungsoo is still pathetically in love with Kai. He hates himself for it and he hates Jongin for reminding him of it.

He gets a text that the meeting with Junmyeon is going to be held at Jongin's place. There's nothing he wants less than to go there again but Yixing tells him he has no choice. Baekhyun and Minseok are also present as well as Park Chanyeol. Apparently they're all friends.

It's not as bad as he thought it would be, mainly because he doesn't actually see much of Jongin or have to talk to him. He's too busy with Yixing, the two of them sat close together on the sofa having a private discussion that the rest of them are not invited to join.

Kyungsoo gets on well with the others despite not having known them for long and actually feels quite comfortable around them. They drink and chat freely, not getting much work done but outside the studio Junmyeon seems more care free. Getting to know each other is important for a good business relationship, Junmyeon insists.

Kyungsoo particularly likes Chanyeol who makes him laugh with every little over the top action. He is aware though that these are Jongin's friends which makes him a little hesitant. He doesn't miss the way Jongin glances over at him every so often, blushing when he gets caught. Kyungsoo ignores him.

**Jongin**

  
Yixing is the sweetest human on the planet, Jongin is certain. At first he had been a little wary of all the attention Yixing was paying him because before that day they had only ever spoken professionally. To be polite Jongin had gone along with it but the more they spoke the less wary he became. Yixing was genuinely an interesting person and they had a lot in common.  
"I'm sorry about Kyungsoo." Yixing says after a while of talking.  
Jongin waves it off. "Oh, it doesn't matter. I understand."  
"Still, it's not fair to you."  
"I don't mind. honestly."  
Yixing looks at him with sparkling eyes. "Yes you do."  
"It's fine." Jongin repeats.  
"It's really not. I've spoken to him but he refuses to listen."  
Jongin shrugs. "He's hurting. It hasn't been long since his boyfriend cheated on him. With a person he trusted at that."  
"I do understand that. I'm just sorry you had to get caught up in the middle of it."  
"No, I get to work with my favourite actor on something that means a lot to me. I'm grateful."  
Yixing sighs. "I know its hard for him and he's in pain even if he doesn't show it but your feelings matter too. If it gets too much let me know."  
"I will."

Jongin watches Kyungsoo interacting with his friends and feels a pang of longing. Kyungsoo never looks that happy or relaxed when he's there. In fact Kyungsoo still refuses to look at him most days. Yixing pats his knee with a knowing look in his eye and Jongin bites his lip. It didn't matter.  
\---  
He's halfway through a streaming session when his doorbell goes off. He knows it's not Minseok or any of his other friends so is confused because he'd made sure he was free to stream today. There's a muffled shouting from outside and Jongin decides it would be best to check who it was just in case. He pauses the stream and opens the door to a pink faced Kyungsoo.  
"Hello." Kyungsoo slurs.  
Jongin blinks at him. "Hey, what are you doing here?"  
Kyungsoo scrunches up his face. "I don't know."  
"Are you drunk?"  
Kyungsoo giggles. "Yes?"  
"Come in."  
"Okay! But I can't stay." Kyungsoo leans in and whispers. "I'm not supposed to be here."  
Jongin laughs. "Okay just come in. Here let me get your shoes."  
"No!" Kyungsoo waves his arms around. "I can take off my own shoes. I am an independent man."  
"Alright then." Jongin steps back while Kyungsoo struggles to kick his shoes off. He ends up slipping and falling over but makes no move to get up. "The stars are so pretty today."  
Jongin looks up at his blank ceiling. "Yes they are."  
Kyungsoo sits up. "Liar! Why are you _lying_ to me!?"  
Jongin is taken aback by the sudden emotion in his voice. "I’m sorry, let's get you up you're gonna catch a cold lying here."  
"It doesn't matter I'm already cold."  
Jongin helps him stand and half carries him to his bedroom. He sets him down on the bed helping him remove his coat and socks.  
"Oh! Why am I over there?" Kyungsoo points to the poster of himself.  
"Um… I should probably take those down." Jongin says.  
"They're so creepy."  
"No they're not they're cute."  
Kyungsoo considers this. "You think I'm cute?"  
"Yes." Jongin says truthfully.  
"I'm not!" Kyungsoo shouts.  
Jongin laughs and leaves him to turn off his stream. His fans are sad to see him go but he promises he'll be back tomorrow. When he gets back to the bedroom Kyungsoo is lying down with the duvet kicked to the floor. Jongin picks it up and drapes it over him.  
Kyungsoo opens his eyes. "Come here."  
Jongin steps closer.  
"Closer."  
He sits on the bed next to Kyungsoo.  
"More."  
He leans down so he's level with Kyungsoo’s face.  
Kyungsoo cups his cheeks. "I came because I missed you."  
The words aren't directed at him but Jongin's heart thumps anyway. Kyungsoo wiggles closer and nuzzles his face into Jongin's neck. Jongin knows that right now he's not Jongin at all but the memory of Kai. It didn't matter.

**Kyungsoo**

  
Kyungsoo wakes up in Jongin's bed yet again and wants to shoot himself. His face on the wall staring down at him isn't helping either.

He already hated being around Jongin and now he was embarrassed to show his face. He was being pathetic and childish and Jongin kept seeing the sides of him that he didn't want anyone to see. In a way he's glad he came to Jongin instead of Kai though, otherwise he might actually have died from the shame. Although he does feel bad that Jongin has to deal with his fucked up self especially since he was nothing short of mean to the man when he was sober.

He gets up and puts on the clothes that Jongin had folded for him. He tiptoes into the corridor and peeks into a room to find Jongin asleep on a sofa in a spare room. Jongin sleeps curled up in a ball and even he has to admit that it's adorable.

He quietly makes his way to the kitchen and checks the fridge. It's well stocked so Kyungsoo quietly makes a speedy breakfast. He's setting the table when he hears movement from the room so he grabs his shoes and makes a dash for the door. He was going to see Jongin later today anyway but he wasn't ready to face him just yet.

He checks his phone and sees several missed calls from Yixing. He calls back.  
"Kyungsoo where the hell are you?"  
Kyungsoo hails a cab. "On the way home."  
“Where have you been? Did you drink again?”  
“No?”  
Yixing tsks. “Don’t lie to me. You didn't wash up on a park bench or something right?”  
“No, I went somewhere much worse.”  
“What?? Where?”  
Kyungsoo groans. “Jongin's place.”  
"Oh Kyungsoo. Come home quickly." Kyungsoo ignores the pity in his voice.

Yixing is waiting for him at home with a warm hug and a lecture about Jongin's feelings.  
"It's just a stupid crush." Kyungsoo mutters.  
"Soo, you know that's not true. The guy is enamoured by you."  
"He'll get over it."  
Yixing just hums. "You need to stop drinking. You're going to poison yourself."  
Kyungsoo changes the subject. "Have you had breakfast?"  
"No. I brought you some hangover soup."  
"Yixing I love you."  
"I know."  
He pouts. "When will you accept my feelings?"  
"When you make me a millionaire.” Yixing answers sincerely. “Now hurry we have schedule."

Kyungsoo takes his time and makes them late on purpose so that there would be no awkward waiting around before the shoot began. When they get to the studio though Jongin is nowhere to be found and neither is Junmyeon. Baekhyun is setting up his camera, staff members rushing to and fro around him.  
Baekhyun spots them and comes over. “Sorry about this guys, we have an emergency shoot today just ahead of yours. Are you happy to wait? If not we can reschedule you for another day.”  
Yixing shakes his head. “It’s okay his schedule is clear for today. Where’s Jongin?”  
“He’s in the back with Junmyeon.” Baekhyun rushes off again leaving Yixing and Kyungsoo to wait.  
“Do Kyungsoo?”  
Kyungsoo turns around to see a kitten-smiled man. “Kim Jongdae, nice to meet you.”  
Jongdae shakes his hand and bows. “It’s a pleasure to meet you too. I’ve been hoping to make your acquaintance for some time.”  
Kyungsoo blushes a little bit. He’s a big fan of Jongdae, one of the biggest soloists of the current day and reckons him one of the best vocalists in the industry. “Likewise.”  
“I saw the scandal you got into with our Jongin.” Jongdae laughs. “I knew it was a matter of time.”  
_Our Jongin_? Kyungsoo wants to ask but Baekhyun calls the singer over. Kyungsoo watches Jongdae throughout his shoot. He looks over at Kyungsoo often and winks or makes faces. Kyungsoo laughs but then blushes when Baekhyun tells Jongdae to focus with a pointed look at Kyungsoo.

Jongin walks in through a door to the side of the set with a pile of clothes in his arms. His eyes immediately land on Kyungsoo like they always do. He smiles brightly. Kyungsoo looks away.  
“Jongin!” Jongdae waves excitedly.  
Jongin turns around and his jaw drops in shock. He tries to take a step but then trips and goes sprawling onto the floor.  
Jongdae rushes to him and helps him up. “You okay?”  
“Y-yeah, hi. What are you doing here?” Jongin stutters.  
“I have an emergency shoot. My manager accidentally deleted all my album pics and they need to be released tomorrow.”  
“Oh.” Jongin says. He looks a little bit uncomfortable. “How have you been?”  
“Good, i’ve been great. What about you Nini?”  
Jongin flinches at the nickname. Kyungsoo wonders exactly what relationship these two had. Jongin sorts himself out and joins Kyungsoo to wait. He’s quieter than usual and doesn’t even look at Kyungsoo once. He’s too busy watching Jongdae with a little pout on his lips. Baekhyun comes over and they speak quietly for a minute. Kyungsoo can’t hear anything aside from ‘ _I’m fine_.’ Minseok and Junmyeon are also very concerned, fussing around him.

Jongin’s mood doesn’t change even for the duration of the shoot. Usually being close to Kyungsoo is enough to have him giggling like a schoolkid in love. Kyungsoo finds it annoying on most days but today it’s absence is weirder.

After the shoot Kyungsoo is surprised to see Jongdae still there. He invites them all out for drinks including Kyungsoo and Yixing. Everyone else is going so Kyungsoo decides to join them too. He notices Jongin reluctantly tagging along. The only person that seems unaware of Jongin’s mood is Jongdae who latches himself onto Kyungsoo. That seems to worsen Jongin’s mood.

Kyungsoo likes Jongdae, he’s fun, funny and kind to everyone. They have a lot in common and exchange numbers, promising to hang out more often. Suddenly Jongin who had been quietly drinking in the corner stands up and walks off. Baekhyun begins to follow but Yixing beats him to it and rushes after him. Baekhyun, Minseok and Junmyeon exchange glances.

Time passes but neither men come back. Kyungsoo excuses himself to the bathroom and wonders outside the bar. Jongin and Yixing are outside, crouched on the floor. Jongin looks better now, his giggle back as they pet a little dog together. Kyungsoo goes back inside and uses the bathroom. As he’s leaving Yixing comes in.

“Is he okay?” Kyungsoo asks casually.  
Yixing gives him a look. “Are you really concerned about Jongin now?”  
“You’ve been gone a while is all.”  
“He’s fine. I think.”  
“What’s up with him and Jongdae?”  
“They’re exes.” Yixing grimaces.  
“Bad break up?”  
“He didn’t say.”  
Kyungsoo nods and heads back to the table. Halfway there something makes him turn and go outside again. Jongin is still in his previous position although the dog has now left. He looks up when Kyungsoo crouches next to him, his mouth in an ‘O’ of surprise.  
“What are you doing out here?”  
“Um… getting some fresh air.” Jogin’s cheeks are tinged with pink. Kyungsoo had noticed that he’d drunk a fair amount.  
“Are you drunk?”  
Jongin shakes his head. “I want to be.”  
“Jongdae bothering you?” Jongin looks questioningly at him. “Yixing told me.”  
“Oh Yixing.” Jongin beams. “He’s so nice.”  
“Bad break up?” Jongin doesn’t answer him, picking at little pebbles on the floor and throwing them. “Sorry I’m prying, I’ll go.”  
“No don’t!” Jongin grabs his arm. “Don’t go. This is the first time you’ve had a conversation with me. A sober conversation. You not me, sober I mean.”  
This time Kyungsoo doesn’t respond.  
“It wasn’t a bad break up. It was actually a very good break up.”  
Kyungsoo doesn’t really understand what that’s supposed to mean, but he listens to Jongin’s story anyway.

**Jongin**

Kim Jongdae is Jongin's cleanest, most civil and yet most painful break up. They had started off as friends and then Jongin had asked Jongdae out. They were good together, had fun, made each other laugh and were very, very happy. Jongin was so in love. It was Jongin’s longest and happiest relationship to date.

Jongdae didn’t cheat, he wasn’t that type of person. Instead when the time came, he sat Jongin down and had an honest, respectful conversation about his feelings. At the time Jongin had just nodded and they parted ways. In the days following however, Jongin had time to think and he began to wonder.

Looking back over the duration of their relationship he began to rethink and reevaluate every moment, every memory, every encounter. How much of it had been real? When did Jongdae begin to get bored? At what point did Jongdae fall out of love with him? How long had he forced himself to stay to keep Jongin happy? What was it about him that made Jongdae lose interest?

What was once a beautiful relationship full of wonderful memories became a chasm of doubt and worries. Watching the person you love fall out of love with you was heartbreaking. It wasn’t Jongdae’s fault; he hadn’t intended to hurt Jongin, his feelings had just changed. He didn’t plan to plant the seeds of self-doubt in Jongin, it had just happened.

And yet Jongin was never comfortable around Jongdae after that. Being around him made him feel small, insignificant and unworthy. Seeing him flirting with Kyungsoo and exchanging numbers made his head spin with jealousy.

“Oh.” Kyungsoo says.  
Jongin snaps awake from his daze. “I don’t know why I told you all of that.”  
“Um...”  
“I’m sorry. I’ve been ranting.”  
Kyungsoo shakes his head. “It’s okay. I get it, it must be hard.”  
Jongin hums, picking up a ladybug from the ground and watching it crawl over his fingers. “We should go back in it’s getting cold.”

Kyungsoo pours him one drink and somehow Jongin’s entire mood is lifted. He barely even notices Jongdae after that.  
\---  
It was already bad and now it was getting worse. Minseok was right; he was in trouble. Nothing about Kyungsoo’s behaviour had changed and yet Jongin found new ways to fall for him every day. A simple smile would be enough to keep him high all day. It’s a little worrisome so he shares his concerns with Yixing who has fast become a close friend. Yixing is supportive as always but also concerned for Jongin’s feelings. He advises him to try and keep his distance if only to protect himself but Jongin knows he could never avoid Kyungsoo.

They spend an increasing amount of time together, and while Kyungsoo isn’t friendly by any means he isn’t exactly cold anymore. There are still times when he looks at Jongin like he has just ascended from hell but they are less frequent as the days go by.

Kyungsoo’s habit of turning up drunk lessens as well which is both a good and bad thing. Jongin is disappointed that he doesn’t get to see Kyungsoo as often anymore but he's glad Kyungsoo is getting a little better.

When it does happen though, Jongin lets him in and tucks him into bed. Sometimes Kyungsoo pulls Jongin into bed with him and mumbles sleepy, sappy nonsense obviously aimed at Kai. Other times he gets mad and yells at Jongin, again harsh words intended for Kai to hear. It didn't matter, Jongin wasn't affected. The next morning Kyungsoo makes him breakfast and leaves before he wakes up. They don't talk about it.

His friends however have a lot to say on the topic. They all like Kyungsoo and consider him a friend but are clear that they would prioritise Jongin in a heartbeat. He's flattered but insists he's okay. He'll take any interaction with Kyungsoo he can get even if Kyungsoo doesn't actually see _him_.

**Kyungsoo**

  
For the next meeting with Junmyeon and co, Kyungsoo had offered his own house. He wanted to cook for his new friends as a way of saying thanks. They agree and the date is set. For some reason Kyungsoo finds himself calling Jongdae over even though they haven't spoken since the day they met.

His guests arrive one by one- Yixing then Junmyeon and Baekhyun and finally Minseok, Jongin and Chanyeol. Chanyeol has no reason to be there other than he likes hanging out with Kyungsoo and Kyungsoo feels the same way.

  
Jongae arrives well after everyone has settled down in the living room. They all look surprised to see him, especially Jongin which is probably to be expected. Yixing pulls him aside and asks what the fuck is going on. Kyungsoo just shrugs.  
"You didn't invite him just to spite Jongin did you? After he confided in you?" Yixing whispers.  
"How'd you know that?"  
"I overheard. Kyungsoo don't tell me you're thinking of starting anything with Jongdae."  
Kyungsoo shrugs. "What's wrong with him?"  
"Nothing is wrong with him. But I honestly think there might be something wrong with _you_ these days." Yixing mutters before going off to cozy up to Jongin.

Kyungsoo rolls his eyes at Yixing's dramaticness. He was just hanging out with a friend. Nothing more. Jongin looks downcast for the rest of the evening, his loud laughter not heard today. He doesn't look at either Kyungsoo or Jongdae.

Kyungsoo wonders why he invited Jongdae.

**Jongin**

  
Watching Jongdae flirt with Kyungsoo is torture. Kyungsoo doesn't exactly flirt back but he doesn't shut it down either. Kyungsoo is exactly Jongdae's type and Jongdae is both attractive and kind enough to possibly interest Kyungsoo. They would make a pretty cute couple.

From the corner of his eye he sees Kyungsoo glance at him every so often. He doesn't believe Kyungsoo would invite Jongdae just to spite him. But even if he did it doesn't matter.

**Kyungsoo**

  
Kyungsoo gets a call on set during a break and glances at the screen. He's surprised it's not Sehun for once. Kyungsoo had barely touched his phone for days now, knowing the only thing he'll see is a hundred notifications from Sehun and still none from Kai.  
"Hello Aunt."  
His aunt is pleased to hear from him. “Kyungsoo! You haven't visited in a while is everything okay?”  
“Yes I'm just a little busy.” He lies.  
“Take care of your health even if you're busy. You're coming to JinRi's wedding tomorrow aren't you?”  
“Ah-”  
His aunt gasps. “Don't tell me you forgot? I thought so since you hadn't called in a while. Did Sehun not remind you?”  
“Of course not, how could I forget.” Kyungsoo lies again.  
“Its a shame that Kai can't make it.” His aunt sighs.  
“Huh?”  
“Your mother told me he's busy. But as long as you're coming it's fine.”  
“Oh yes, yeah he's sorry he can’t come. I'll be there don't worry.” He reassures her and hangs up.

Kyungsoo thinks about what his aunt said and dials another number. Its picked up on the first ring.  
“Who's this?”  
Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. “Mom it’s me. Your son.”  
“I have a son?” His mother gasps. “Hard to tell these days since he never calls or visits.”  
“Sorry things have been hectic. How are you?”  
“Busy with all the wedding stuff.”  
“How’s that going?”  
“Oh my God it’s so stressful Kyungsoo.” His mother breathes. “I'm so nervous about tomorrow, but it’s worth it. I can’t wait to do it for you and Kai.  
Kyungsoo inhales sharply. “Ahaa, yeah.”  
“Kyungsoo is everything okay?”  
“Yeah mom it’s fine. Did he call you? Aunt said you told her he cant make the wedding.”  
“Oh yes. No, I called him to ask if he wanted to go to cabbage picking with me but he couldn’t.” Every six months, his mother went back to his hometown to help the locals pick cabbages for Kimchi making. Kyungsoo hated going but Kai had always happily accompanied his mother.  
“Mom don't ask him anymore. I'll go with you from now.”  
“What? You’ve never come with me.”  
“I know.”  
“Kyungsoo are you sure everything is okay?” Her voice is laced with worry.  
“Yes of course.”  
His mother doesn’t seem convinced. “If Kai's not coming you'll have to bring another date you know that right? We can't have gaps in the front row.”  
_Shit_. “Yeah I know I'll bring a friend.”

Kyungsoo hangs up and rushes over to Yixing who turns out to have a meeting the next day. Minseok is also unavailable. He can't ask Baekhyun or Junmyeon, not when he's already caused them so much trouble.  
"I think Jongin's free tomorrow." Yixing tells him.  
"No."  
Yixing gives him a long look but doesn't comment. Kyungsoo's fucked.

It’s already late and he still hasn't found someone to take. He could just go by himself despite what his mother said but he doesn't want to show up in front of Sehun alone and pathetic. He knows it’s not about him, this day is JinRi’s but he doesn’t want to face him alone. He doesn’t know if he can.

On the way home he stops by his favourite cafe. It's a tiny little shop with only two tables. Most customers pick up their drinks and leave which suits Kyungsoo because he can always rely on a relaxing break at the cafe away from the prying eyes of people.

Tonight however, both tables are taken. One has a couple on it and another has a man with a black cap pulled over his eyes. Kyungsoo has ordered his coffee to take away when a voice calls out to him in a whisper. He turns to look and is surprised to see Jongin at the table.  
He takes his coffee and joins him at the table. “I didn’t know you came to this cafe.”  
“There’s a lot you don’t know about me.” Jongin smiles a little sadly. “Did you find someone to take to your cousin’s wedding?”  
“How do you know about that?”  
“I heard you talking to Yixing. Don’t worry I'm not offended.” Jongin adds when Kyungsoo winces.  
Kyungsoo can tell he most definitely is.  
“It’s Sehun’s sisters wedding isn’t it?”  
Kyungsoo nods. “Do you know her?”  
“No I know a dancer in Sehun’s agency. Are you going alone?”  
“Yes.”  
“I can come with you. If you want I mean.” Jongin says a little hesitantly.  
Kyungsoo looks at him. “You would come? Even after the way I treat you?”  
“I understand why.”  
“Doesn’t make it okay.”  
Jongin fiddles with his cup of green tea. “I would still go if you asked me to.”  
“Why?”  
“I think you know why.”  
Jongin had never directly spoken about his feelings before so Kyungsoo is a little taken aback. This is almost an outright confession and asking Jongin to go with him despite knowing that would be unbelievably cruel. Kyungsoo gets his coffee and leaves.

In the morning he looks at himself in the mirror with his suit on and hair styled. He looks good but feels pathetic. Then he picks up his phone, feeling even shittier.  
“Hello?” Jongin mumbles sleepily.  
“Hi it’s Kyungsoo.”  
“Oh!”  
“I wanted to- I just… Um.” Fuck he shouldn’t have called.  
“Yes, I’ll go.” Jongin says.  
“What?”  
“There is only one thing you could be calling me about. Yes i’ll come to the wedding.”  
“Oh, okay.”  
“Text me the address i’ll meet you there in an hour.”  
“Okay.” Fuck. Kyungsoo was stooping to new lows every day.

Jongin looks surprisingly smart for the short time he had to get ready. Even his hair looked good, done up off his forehead. He looks so much like Kai again and Kyungsoo starts to doubt if bringing him was a good idea. People would probably mistake him for Kai and then talk to him and he’s have to explain that is wasn’t actually him but his doppleganger and…

Jongin takes his hand and squeezes it. “Breathe. You look like you’re about to pass out.”  
Kyungsoo is strangely comforted by the gesture. He snatches his hand away though and leads the way into the venue. His aunt, uncle and mother are stood by the entrance welcoming the guests. His mother spots them first and rushes over.  
“I can’t believe JinRi had to get married for me to see my only son.” She pinches Kyungsoo’s cheek.  
“Sorry Mom.” He hugs her.  
“Hello, you must be Kyungsoo’s friend.” His mother pulls Jongin into a hug too.  
“Y-yes hi. I’m Jongin. Nice to meet you Mrs Do.” Jongin says shyly.  
“Mom how did you-?”  
“Oh I'm not an idiot. He sure looks like Kai but I can tell straight away that he’s not.” His mother laughs. Jongin looks pleased. “He’d handsome just like my son in law.”  
Kyungsoo chokes on air. “Mom!”  
“What? I’m not saying anything that’s not true. Now hurry on in, I have guests to greet.” She shoos them off. Jongin glances at him but Kyungsoo ignores him and greets his uncle and aunt instead.  
His aunt beams at Jongin. “You made it after- Oh. I'm sorry. Kyungsoo introduce me to your friend please.”  
Again Kyungsoo is surprised that his aunt could tell this wasn’t Kai. “This is Jongin my colleague.”  
“I apologise Jongin, I mistook you for Kai.”  
“No need Aunt, I’m used to it.” Jongin bows. He looks pleased again.

Inside Kyungsoo discreetly looks for Sehun but can’t see him. They go into the brides room to greet JinRi who also immediately notices that Jongin is not Kai. Kyungsoo doesn’t understand it. Sehun appears as they’re leaving the bridal room.  
“Hyung-” He starts but Kyungsoo walks on.  
He sits in his designated spot and curses when he sees that Sehun is seated right next to him. Jongin nudges him into the seat meant for Kyungsoo’s guest and sits in Kyungsoo’s seat instead.  
“Thanks.”  
“I guess your family don’t know yet.” Jongin says lightly.  
Kyungsoo picks at his suit. “They don’t need to.”  
“That’s very kind of you. You could have exposed Sehun but you didn’t. You’re brave to do that.”  
“More like I’m a coward for not exposing them both to the world and ruining them.”  
Jongin shakes his head. “No you’re not. This is braver. Also much kinder. You’re not a cruel person.”  
“I’m mean to you.”  
“You love Kai and Sehun. As for me, well...” Jongin trails off. Kyungsoo looks at him and sees sadness written on his face. His gut twists with guilt but he pushes it down. It was too late now.

The ceremony begins and his family join them in the aisle. Sehun sees the changes seats and his face drops. Kyungsoo doesn’t care. The wedding goes by smoothly, JinRi looks beautiful and happy, the food is good and it doesn’t rain. Jongin seems to be enjoying himself, sticking close to Kyungsoo but still socialising with his family. They all love him and tell Kyungsoo to bring him around more often.

Sehun tries to talk to him a few times but Kyungsoo brushes him off. He's persistent though and eventually Jongin steps in as a barrier. Sehun leaves him alone after that. Throughout the day Jongin takes his hand and squeezes it briefly, dropping it before Kyungsoo can push him away. It keeps him focused and he doesn't even need that much alcohol to get him through it.

By the time they can leave Kyungsoo has relaxed a bit. Today was pretty bearable thanks to Jongin. Its as their leaving that everything begins to crumble apart. There is a too familiar car in the parking lot. Kai is leaning against his range rover, engrossed in his phone. Kyungsoo can tell from the years he's spent with Kai that he's playing Minecraft. The way his brows are furrowed and his tongue sticks out is exclusive to that game only.  
"Kyungsoo?" Jongin says and he realises that he's stopped walking. He's kind of stopped breathing a little bit too.  
"Let’s go." He mumbles, turning towards his own car.  
"Kyungsoo is that you?" Kai asks, raising his voice to be heard over the distance.

Kyungsoo's shoulders tense but he keeps walking. He hears footsteps behind him and prays to God that Kai drops dead right there. Instead, Jongin takes his hand again, properly this time, lacing his fingers with Kyungsoo's. He steps very close so that their sides are brushing when they walk.  
He leans down and whispers in Kyungsoo's ear. "Just keep walking."  
Kyungsoo does, all the way to the car. Jongin opens the passenger side for him and then climbs into the drivers side. Kyungsoo can see Kai from the corner of his eye watching them.  
"Excuse me for this." Jongin says then leans over the console to put Kyungsoo's seatbelt on for him.

Their faces are close enough that if one of them moves, their lips would brush. Something possesses Kyungsoo in that moment and he leans forward. Jongin's eyes flutter closed almost instantly, but Kyungsoo keeps his open. Kai is still watching. He can't see the expression on his face but he wishes he could.

Jongin sighs softly against his lips and suddenly Kyungsoo has a sense of deja vu. Had he kissed Jongin before? Oh shit yes he had, that first day when he was drunk. Remembering that he's still currently kissing Jongin, Kyungsoo shoves him back. Jongin startles, his eyes snapping open. He blinks at Kyungsoo and then turns to look at Kai out the window. His jaw tightens but he smiles.  
"Let's get you home."

**Jongin**

  
His heart thumps so loudly in his chest he's sure Kyungsoo can hear it in the silent car. Kyungsoo hadn't spoken to him or looked at him since dropping that kiss on him. He should probably be mad but he'd enjoyed it way too much to protest. Although knowing it was only for Kai's benefit did sour the experience. It didn't matter.

Kyungsoo doesn't say anything to him even when they get to his house. He just takes his keys and scurries home without even a backwards look. At this point Jongin isn't even surprised. They'd carry on like they always did and not talk about. But Jongin would definitely remember it.  
\---  
They have to do an interview for their W spread. At the end, the interviewer asks them to suggest a gift to the fans if the magazine sold more than 500k copies. Jongin and Kyungsoo exchange awkward looks. The interviewer steps in and suggests that Kyungsoo should join Jongin on a stream. Jongim begins to wave it off but to his surprise Kyungsoo agrees.

The day it drops the magazine sells half the required count and by the second day, it has surpassed the goal. Jongin spends a lot of time planning the event, with a whole range of activities that they can do for the fans. On the day as Jongin's setting up the camera in his streaming room, Kyungsoo suggests that they answer questions instead. Jongin is happy with whatever Kyungsoo is happy with.

The stream starts and they answer questions from the viewers as well as ones Jongin made up for Kyungsoo. Kyungsoo recommends some of his favourite movies and songs and Jongin smiles when he realises they're all ones he likes too. He also talks about his favorite restaurants and dishes and Jongin makes a mental note to try them all. A viewer suggest that Jongin sing for them so he does and to his utter shock Kyungsoo joins in.

Jongin stops singing and gapes at Kyungsoo who has his eyes closed and is singing in the richest, most powerful voice he's heard in a while. Kyungsoo stops when Jongin doesn't carry on and blushes furiously at the look Jongin is giving him.  
"You are so good!" Jongin gushes.  
Kyungsoo scratches the back of his neck. "I used to want to be an idol."  
"No way!" Jongin reads some of the comments out loud. Everyone is in shock and awe of his voice. They sing a few more songs together, Kyungsoo shy at first but gaining confidence the more he sang.

Jongin learns more about him in those two hours than he had done in the last few weeks. After the stream Kyungsoo cooks for him and although they eat in silence Jongin feels closer to his crush than he ever has before.

**Kyungsoo**

  
Something changes after streaming with Jongin. Kyungsoo finds himself responding more to him and not being generally as pissed off about his existence. When Jongin messages him a random selfie Kyungsoo doesn’t even mind. He doesn’t respond though. Jongin seems to take his silence as approval and sends him a selfie everyday after that. Sometimes he’s just woken up, other times he’s out and about getting on with his day. Often, he sends pictures of him posing with dogs that he passes on the street. Kyungsoo has noticed that Jongin loved dogs.

On his way to the convenience store one afternoon, Kyungsoo sees a tiny little dog tied to a post. Usually, he would ignore it but today he thinks of Jongin. He bends down to pet the dog who bounces up and down and licks his face in excitement.  
“You remind me of someone I know.” Kyungsoo smiles. The dog barks.

Kyungsoo takes a picture of it and sends it to Jongin. Jongin replies instantly with about a hundred heart emojis. Kyungsoo laughs. It becomes a habit, sending each other pictures of animals they see, anything from birds to cats to bugs. Kyungsoo thinks it’s just an excuse for Jongin to text him.

Being around him is a little easier too. He still sees Kai from time to time but Jongin shines through mostly. They have a lot in common like their music and movie tastes as well as the food they like. Jongin invites him to see movies and plays whenever he can and Kyungsoo accepts more than he rejects. Truthfully it’s fun hanging out with Jongin, it’s just the painful longing afterwards that hurts. He still thinks about Kai way too much but Jongin is as much a distraction from Kai as he is a reminder which leaves Kyungsoo very confused.  
\---  
Yixing is a lot busier lately and Kyungsoo finds it hard to spend time with him like he used to. One afternoon when Yixing is finally free Kyungsoo asks what he’s been up to.  
“Nothing, I’ve just been hanging out with Jongin a lot.”  
Kyungsoo looks at him. “You two are getting close.”  
Yixing chuckles. “Are you jealous?”  
“Yes. My best friend is being stolen away.”  
“Are you jealous of him or me Kyungsoo?” Yixing says suddenly very serious.  
“Why would I be jealous of you?”  
Yixing shrugs and changes the subject.  
\---  
He forgets about his promise to his mother until one morning at 6am when an alarm goes off waking him up to remind him that today is cabbage picking day. He jerks awake and rushes around to get ready as fast as possible. The locals always started picking at 7 to ensure there was enough time to get everything done by nightfall. If he set out now he would only be an hour late.

In the car he texts Yixing to tell him where he would be before he drives off. Thankfully there isn't much traffic on his way and he gets to his hometown just after 8. He stops by a shop and buys a whole load of things for his mother and her friends. It had been a while since he last saw them.

He drives up to his childhood house and parks his car outside the gates. There's no one around, everyone busy in the fields, so he quickly changes into some work clothes and grabs a hat to protect himself from the sun. He grabs a spare pair of gloves and treks to the field.

The work clothes are stiff and uncomfortable and he's already hot. He really really hates this. He arrives and is greeted excitedly by his mother's friends and neighbours. The only person that doesn't come to see him is his mother. One of the grandmothers tells him she's in the tool shed so he goes over to say hi.

His mother is sat on the floor with another person, fixing a straw bucket. She's too busy chatting away to notice him.  
"Mom!" He waves.  
His mother turns to look at him. "Kyungsoo you came?"  
"I said I would."  
"I didn't think you actually would."  
The person with her turns around and beams at him.  
Kyungsoo gapes. "Jongin what the hell are you doing here?"  
"Mrs Do called me-"  
"Don't yell at him I told him to come. And you, I told you to call me Mom." She scolds Jongin.  
"Sorry," Jongin laughs.  
"Kyungsoo it's good you're here. You and Jongin can carry the baskets back." His mother says leading them both onto the fields.  
There is a neat little system going on, each person has their own roles and rotate every so often so they don't get too bored or tired. Kyungsoo and Jongin help haul the full buckets of cabbages to the taps so they can be washed and then set out to dry. Then they cut pick the cabbages and put them into buckets. Finally, they wash the cabbages and set them out on racks.

After what feels like a year, they group break up for lunch. They all head to the community centre and eat together at long tables. Kyungsoo is knackered, ready to sleep for the rest of the day but Jongin is bursting with energy. The ladies dote on him and spoil him with attention. He's loving it  
Kyungsoo smiles. He looks away from Jongin and sees his mother give him a funny look. He looks away.

The day is hardly over, still a whole lot to be done. Kyungsoo gets off after a couple of hours to cook dinner for everyone and leaves Jongin with his mother. At 6, all the cabbages have been picked and washed and the workers come piling into the hall again. Kyungsoo helps serve everyone his famous cold noodle soup.

Jongin looks tired now but is still talkative. Kyungsoo's mother has to drag him away from the grandmothers to get him home. It's late and his mother insists they stay in a tone that demands no arguments. While they shower and get ready for bed she makes up a space for them in Kyungsoo's old room. The bed is too small for him now so they will both have to sleep on the floor. Kyungsoo notices that his mother has made one big space rather than two separate ones.

She gives them some spare pajamas that look like they're at least 30 years out of fashion but Jongin manages to make them look attractive. Kyungsoo's ones are too long, the sleeves covering his hands completely. He looks like and idiot. Jongin giggles and tells him he looks cute. Kyungsoo hits him with a pillow.

"Thank you for coming when my mom asked. I know it's hard work." He says when they're both in bed with the lights out.  
"I had fun." Jongin says with a yawn. "The hardest part was getting here."  
"Did you drive?"  
"No I took the bus."  
" _What_?? Are you crazy?" Kyungsoo exclaims. It was almost 4 hours by bus and the journey was rough and unpleasant.  
Jongin laughs. "I wanted to revisit my childhood. I took the bus once a month to visit my granny."  
"Oh. Is she-"  
"Yeah when I was 15."  
"I'm sorry." Kyungsoo can feel Jongin shake his head.  
After a minute, his breathing deepens and Kyungsoo knows he's fallen asleep. It takes Kyungsoo a while to sleep, his body aching from all the work. Just before he dozes off he feels Jongin roll over and snuggle into him.

**Jongin**

  
Mrs Do gives them both the next day off and orders them to have fun. They put on masks and hats and set off despite their aching limbs. Kyungsoo shows him all his favourite places and tells him stories from his childhood. They try a few food places that Kyungsoo used to enjoy and go to the fair that's visiting town.

Kyungsoo buys him candyfloss and popcorn and wins him a stuffed bear. He even let's Jongin take a selfie of them. They don't do anything particularly exciting but it's the best day Jongin has had in a long time.

They're in the park eating ice cream when Kyungsoo's phone rings. He pulls it out and Jongin catches a glance of the screen, his good mood immediately plummeting. Why did Jongdae have to call now of all times. The phone keeps ringing and Jongin looks up to see Kyungsoo looking at him.  
"Does it bother you?" He asks.  
"Yes." Jongin answers truthfully.  
"Okay." Kyungsoo says and declines the call.  
Jongin stares at Kyungsoo with wide eyes. He just shrugs and smiles when Jongin beams. His good mood is back but it doesn't last long. Jongin swears the universe is out to get him. Kyungsoo spots Kai and Sehun moments after Jongin does.

"Fucking hell what the _fuck_?" He curses under his breath.  
"Shall we run for it?" Jongin asks. The pair hadn't seen them yet.  
"Yeah-" Kyungsoo starts but then Kai look over and his words falter.  
Jongin stands up and moves in front of Kyungsoo, blocking his view. "Okay here's what we are going to do. We're going to act like we didn't see them and just walk."  
Kyungsoo nods. Jongin takes his hand, linking their fingers and walks off in the opposite direction.  
"Don't look back." He reminds Kyungsoo. They get out of the park and walk through the streets still hand in hand. Kyungsoo takes over after a bit and leads Jongin away from the roads and towards a rocky flat land.  
"It's the ruins of an old palace." Kyungsoo tells him. He finds a wall that's still semi intact and drops Jongin's hand to climb it. Jongin follows him up and sits beside him their legs dangling off the edge.  
"You okay?"  
Kyungsoo nods. "It's just every time I let my guard down there he is again."  
Jongin pats his knee comfortingly. "Um Kyungsoo don't freak out and don't look but they followed us."  
"Fuck!" Kyungsoo spits. "Why can't they just leave me the fuck _alone_."  
"They're coming towards us."  
Kyungsoo bites his lips, seemingly on the verge of a breakdown. Jongin wishes he could help but they're stuck on a wall in the middle of nowhere. He has no solutions. He's barely finished the thought when Kyungsoo puts a hand on his cheek and turns his head to face him. The look in Kyungsoo's eye is apologetic and Jongin knows what's coming.

Kyungsoo pulls Jongin closer and kisses him for real. Not pecks like the last two times, this kiss is deep and intense and holy shit Jongin is going to fall off the wall and die. He grabs Kyungsoo's waist for support and kisses back just as hard. He forgets about the situation they're in and just focuses on the taste of Kyungsoo's lips and the feel of his tongue sliding against his.

It may have been a minute or ten or twenty Jongin doesn't know, but Kyungsoo pulls back slowly, the hand cupping his face still in place. They stay very close together for a minute in silence.  
"I think they're gone." Jongin says a little hoarsley.  
Kyungsoo nods against his forehead and then pulls him back in for another bruising kiss. Jongin leans into it and they almost topple off the wall. They pull apart laughing as they right themselves.  
"Let's go." Kyungsoo says.  
They walk back home in silence Jongin's heart still racing from the kiss. Sehun and Kai are at home with Mrs Do. Apparently Kyungsoo's aunt had sent Sehun and Kai had tagged along. Kyungsoo looks like he's in pain, ignoring Kai completely. Mrs Do looks between the four of them with confusion.

Kyungsoo tells his mother that something urgent had come up and he has to go. His mother nods and packs him some food to take back with him. Kyungsoo tugs Jongin's sleeve and he takes the hint and excuses himself as well. Mrs Do packs some food for Jongin as well and sees them to the car.

The car ride back is silent and Jongin takes Kyungsoo's spare hand in his, squeezing it reassuringly. He's about to let go when Kyungsoo squeeze back and holds on. He doesn't let go and by the time they reach home, Kyungsoo looks relaxed again. He drops Jongin home and waves goodbye. They don't discuss the kiss. Well, the kisses.

**Kyungsoo**

  
Kyungsoo is trying to read a book in the waiting room but Jongin's hovering form just within his sight is bothering him. “What do you want Jongin.”  
Jongin comes closer. “I think you should see this.”  
Kyungsoo takes the phone from him and reads the article that's loaded up.

**Exclusive: Dancer Kai cheats on boyfriend Do Kyungsoo**

“What?” He skims the article quickly, shaking his head at the audacity of journalists these days. “Why do I need to see this?”  
“Kyungsoo there are pictures.” Oh shit. Had Kai got caught with Sehun? That would be fucking awkward and hard to explain. “It’s not…. you should just look.”  
Kyungsoo scrolls down to the pictures and now understands Jongin's concern. The pictures are grainy but it is still without a doubt Kai. The first picture shows him getting into his car with another man in what looks like a parking lot. The second shows him leaning over to kiss the man. The last picture is a very suggestive image where the man can’t be seen but from Kai’s expression it’s very clear what's happening.

The problem here is that the man isn't Sehun.

“Sehun.” Kyungsoo whispers. He has to go to him.  
“I'll take you.” Jongin offers.  
“No I can-”  
“You can't drive right now Kyungsoo it's dangerous.” Jongin takes him arm and leads him to the car.

Kyungsoo tries calling Sehun several times but there’s no answer. He knocks on Sehun’s door then uses the spare key when there’s no response. Sehun isn’t home. He’s not at the studio either.  
“Is there anywhere he would go in this situation?” Jongin asks.  
Kyungsoo racks his brain and then thinks of something. “I think so.”

He decides to try their favorite hang out spot from when they were teenagers. They’d stopped going a while ago but it was worth the try. Back when they were teens, their parents had made them go to the community centre every weekend to boost their credits at school. They’d hated it so one day they had snuck out and found a gap in the fence behind the centre. Sehun had been able to convince Kyungsoo to go through and they had found a small stretch of trees that they could hide in.

Kyungsoo’s too big for the gap now but he and Jongin are able to jump the fence. They find Sehun curled up into a ball, leaning against a tree.  
“Sehun-ah!” Kyungsoo wraps his arms around Sehun's shaking body.  
“Hyung.” Sehen croaks. He buries his head in Kyungsoo’s neck and sobs.  
Kyungsoo strokes his hair and blinks away the tears in his own eyes. He knows exactly how Sehun feels right now.  
“I’m so sorry Hyung.”  
“Shhshh Sehunnie. It’s okay.”  
“No it’s not. I was wrong.” Sehun lifts his teary face. “Why are you here? I did a bad thing to you.”  
“I know you did. But you’re still my little cousin. Nothing will change that.”  
“No, I don’t deserve your kindness. Never forgive me Hyung.”  
“Don't be stupid. Of course I will. Maybe not just yet though.” He teases.  
“It’s not funny. I ruined five years for you. I can’t begin to imagine how you must have felt.”  
Kyungsoo would rather not relive those feelings. "No you didn’t. Kai did that. If it wasn’t you it would have been someone else."  
“Even if you forgive me I wont ever forgive myself.” Sehun insists.  
“This isn’t about me right now Sehunnie. I’m sorry you had to go through this as well.” He genuinely is. While Kai and Sehun working out long term was a bitter thought, this outcome wasn’t any better.  
“Hyung.” Sehun whispers.  
“Yes?”  
“It hurts.”  
Kyungsoo sighs. “I know Sehun, I know it does.”  
“I’m pathetic. Is it stupid that I love him even now?”  
Kyungsoo scoffs. "If you’re pathetic what does that make me? I loved him for five years. I still do."

**Jongin**

  
Jongin drops them both off at Sehun’s house and excuses himself. What Kyungsoo did was admirable and made Jogin respect and love him that much more but there is a lump in his throat that refuses to budge. On his drive home the words keep repeating themselves to him.

_I loved him for five years. I still do._

It was technically his fault for letting himself hope. Kyungsoo had never claimed interest in him even once since they met. Sure, he was nice to Jongin and made him feel special and happy and warm, but his feelings had always been clear. It was Jongin’s mistake to believe that things had changed. He was the delusional one for thinking he meant anything to Kyungsoo.

He parks his car and is surprised to see Yixing at his door. One look at Yixing and Jongin starts to cry. He rushes over to hug him and helps him into the house. Yixing comforts him until he finishes crying and makes him some food. Jongin picks at it because Yixing had made an effort.  
“You okay?”  
Jongin sniffs. “Yeah. How did you know?”  
“I saw the article. I know Kyungsoo well enough to know he would go rushing to Sehun. He’s annoyingly nice like that. Minseok told me you went with him so I figured you’d need some company.”  
“Thank you Yixing you’re a true friend.”  
“Yeah,” Yixing sighs. “A friend.”  
Jongin frowns. “Is everything okay?”  
“Yes it is. Kyungsoo’s my best friend but Jongin please be careful. Don’t keep getting hurt.”  
“It’s not his fault...”  
“Jongin.” Yixing’ tone is firm.  
“I know, I know. I won’t.”  
Yixing looks at him like he doesn’t believe him. Jongin doesn’t believe himself either.  
\---  
Jongin is a little mopey after that. Even his friends can't coax a smile out of him for days. He realises that he's being disruptive and sulking like a child so he decides to do something about it. He waits until after the fashion show because he doesn't want to create tensions while they work.

On the flight to Paris, Jongin sits as far from Kyungsoo as possible. He avoids him at the hotel and on the way to the venue too. Kyungsoo tries to speak to him once but when Jongin ignores him he backs off.

The walk is a success, Jongin managing to remain professional despite his inner turmoil. He smiles for the cameras afterwards and answers questions about his new brand. Kyungsoo by his side smiles along. To the world they look like good friends. They take separate cars back.

On the way back to the hotel Jongin calls Yixing and asks him a favour. Yixing is a little reluctant but agrees after some coaxing. He texts Jongin Kyungsoo's room number and gives him the passcode. Jongin gets back to the hotel first so he lets himself into Kyungsoo's room to wait.

He's super nervous, pacing around the room and tries to think of what to say. There's so much on his mind, it's hard to articulate it all even to himself. Before he can script something, Kyungsoo returns.  
He startles at the sight of Jongin. "How did you get into my room?"  
"I asked Yixing."  
"Oh. What are you doing here?" Kyungsoo kicks off his shoes.  
“I want to talk.”  
“You didn't seem to want to talk earlier.”  
Did Kyungsoo sound upset? “I want to talk now though.”  
“About what?”  
He decides to go for a direct approach. “What am I to you Kyungsoo?”  
“Excuse me?” Kyungsoo raises his eyebrows.  
“What do I mean to you?” Jongin demands. “Do I even mean anything?”  
“I don’t think I know-”  
Jongin cuts him off. “Yes you do. I'm fed up of this push and pull bullshit. What the hell am I Kyungsoo?”  
Kyungsoo looks away. “Jongin I'm tired let’s not do this now.”  
“When shall we do this then? Tomorrow? The day after? The next time you get hammered and come knocking on my door? Or the next time you kiss me again?”  
“Jongin.” Kyungsoo winces.  
Jongin isn’t about to back down. “Is it painful to think about? Why, because Kai isn’t here to watch?”  
“Shut the fuck up.”  
He ignores the dangerous tone of Kyungsoo’s voice. “There's nothing brave about pretending to be strong if you're just going to hurt others in the process!”  
“I didn’t ask you to like me Jongin.”  
“I know you didn’t. I'm not making you responsible for the way I feel because you’re not. But you are responsible for giving me hope and leading me to believe that I mattered.”  
“Its just a stupid crush Jongin you'll get over it.”  
Jogin’s chest could burst with the frustration. “Oh my God Kyungsoo don't you get it? _I'm in love with you_!”  
Kyungsoo scoffs. “No you're not.”  
“Don't tell me how I feel.”  
“You're not in love with me Jongin.” He shakes his head. “You can't be, you barely even know me. It hasn't been long enough for you to claim to love me. You're infatuated, maybe even obsessed. You liked me as a celebrity so you're starstruck and confused. You're not in love with _me_. You're in love with who you think I am.”  
“Fuck you.” Jongin whispers, his lips trembling. “Don't you _dare_ belittle my feelings and don't you dare try to tell me how I feel. I don't know you? Yes I do. I know that you're sweet and kind and humble and generous. but I also know that you're petty and cruel and selfish. I’ve seen you at your absolute worst and yet… and yet Kyungsoo, I chose to stay next to you and get hurt over and over again because being close to you was enough for me. But you know what? _Fuck_ you and that stick up your ass. You're not the only one with feelings you know. Being in pain doesn't give you the right to hurt others.”

Jongin stumbles on the way to the door, the tears streaming down his face making it hard to see. Kyungsoo reaches out to steady him but Jongin pushes him away. Fuck him.

**Kyungsoo**

  
Kyungsoo stands there, staring at the door. Part of him wants to run after Jongin and comfort him but that's not his place. Instead he calls Yixing and tells him to find Jongin. Yixing seems annoyed at him for some reason. Kyungsoo puts it out of his mind and gets into bed but he doesn't sleep that night. The next morning Yixing tells him that Minseok and Jongin had left last night on an early plane. Kyungsoo just nods, not looking at Yixing. They could have this conversation another time.

Now that all official schedules for the collab are over, he doesn't need to see Jongin anymore. Although there are a few launch events that Kyungsoo is supposed to attend he gets a message from Minseok that it's not mandatory. Kyungsoo feigns a busy schedule and tells him he can't make it. It's what Jongin would probably want.

The day that Kyungsoo realises he might actually want to see Jongin is a confusing day. He shares his thoughts with Yixing who shakes his head.  
"You're such an idiot." He says. Yixing is smiling but Kyungsoo can tell it's not a real smile.  
"What did I do?"  
"Jongin has been at your beck and call all this time. He's become a habit. Now that he's not you're realising what he meant."  
"What he meant?" Kyungsoo repeats.  
"I'm sure you'll figure it out. But Kyungsoo, don't hurt him while you do."

Kyungsoo thinks about what Yixing said. What had Jongin meant? In the beginning he had been an awful reminder of Kai. Then he had become a coping mechanism, a safety net of sorts that he could fall into and comfort himself without crawling back to Kai. And then… and then what? He was neither of those things anymore. Perhaps Kyungsoo considers him a friend. But he knows that's not true. He didn't feel like this about his other friends.

It was baffling but when Kyungsoo drank himself into a stupor that night, he thought of Jongin first before the usual longing for Kai came crashing over him.

**Jongin**

  
Jongin is having a dream where his alarm clock is chasing him. It's freaking loud and hurts his ears to the point that he wakes up. The ringing doesn't stop though and he realises it's his phone. The screen is too bright to read the caller id so he just puts it to his ear.  
"Hello?" He answers sleepily.  
"Hi." Kyungsoo's voice is enough to have him wide awake in a second. Jongin hasn't heard his voice for over a week now. He sounds upset.  
"Kyungsoo are you okay?" He can't help but voice his concerns.  
"No. Can you come to the river?"  
"Now?"Jongin squints at the clock. "What are you doing at the river at 2am?"  
"Please."  
His tone is enough to have Jongin sliding out of bed. "Don't move I'll be there in a second."

Jongin quickly gets dressed and grabs a blanket on his way out. It's freezing and he doesn't know if Kyungsoo is dressed appropriately for the weather. He finds Kyungsoo slouched on a bench with a bottle of Soju next to him. He's wearing a t-shirt and shivering violently. Jongin drapes the blanket over him and takes the bottle away.  
"Kyungsoo is everything okay?"  
"No. Nothing is okay." Kyungsoo mumbles.  
He's still shivering so Jongin puts his arm around him and pulls him close. Kyungsoo snuggles into him and closes his eyes.  
"What happened?" Jongin whispers into his hair. He hates seeing Kyungsoo like this.  
"Nothing."  
"You can tell me."  
Kyungsoo doesn't say anything so Jongin doesn't press. Instead he gets his phone out and puts on some music. He puts one earbud in Kyungsoo's ear and one in his own. They don't speak, just sit and listen to the music for a while. Kyungsoo stops shivering and Jongin is warm despite the cold air. His heart is thumping steadily and his stomach feels light and airy. It's almost like their fight didn't happen.

They sit like that for over an hour until Kyungsoo starts shaking again. Jongin's hands have frozen stiff by now.  
"Let's go home."Jongin suggests.  
Kyungsoo shakes his head. "I don't want to."  
"I'll come with you."  
He nods and allows Jongin to lead him to the car. At Kyungsoo's place Jongin finds a jumper for him to wear and tucks him into bed. Kyungsoo pulls at his sleeve so Jongin joins him. They lay face to face and Jongin can smell the faint smell of Soju from Kyungsoo's breath. He strokes Kyungsoo's hair and his eyes flutter closed. A little while later Kyungsoo murmers something too quiet to hear.  
_I just missed you._  
Jongin's heart races at the words he thinks he just heard. He hadn't had he? Kyungsoo wouldn't… or would he? Had their time apart made Kyungsoo realise something? It couldn't be right? But maybe it was-  
"I just missed him." Kyungsoo says a little more coherently and Jongin freezes.

Of course. He had almost forgotten. Carefully, he detangles himself from Kyungsoo's limbs and creeps out of the house. He doesn't belong here.

**Kyungsoo**

  
"Is that Jongin calling?" Yixing asks.  
Kyungsoo glances at his phone then goes back to his book. He doesn't have the guts to pick up. "Yeah."  
“I heard you called him out last night.”  
Kyungsoo turns to look at Yixing who is stood in the middle of the living room, a frown clouding his features. "He told you?"  
“He was upset so I asked. Kyungsoo what exactly are you doing right now?”  
“What do you mean?”  
Yixing narrows his eyes. “Don't act innocent. You know very well how he feels about you. How could you give him hope and then just discard him like that?”  
“It's none of your business.”  
Kyungsoo had rarely seen Yixing this angry. “It _is_ my business Kyungsoo. You're my best friend and recently you haven't been yourself. I get that you're in pain but does Jongin not feel things? He's in love with you and you're toying with his feelings. How does that make you any better than Kai?”  
“Shut the fuck up!” Kyungsoo yells in a burst of anger. “Don't compare me to him.”  
“Tell me how you're any different to that bastard then?” Yixing yells back.  
“What’s it to you anyway? Why the fuck do you care?”  
“I care because I-” Yixing falters. “Because I do okay! This isn't like you. I know you and this just isn't you. It's pretty obvious that you like him too, I don't know why you're being so stubborn and insisting on hurting him and yourself.”  
“Just stay out of it.” Kyungsoo snaps.  
“I _can't_ okay, Kyungsoo. I refuse to sit back and watch you continue to hurt him.”  
It hits Kyungsoo then, all the little things, the way Yixing acts around Jongin, the way he looks at Kyungsoo sometimes, how ready he is to always defend Jongin. “You like him don't you?”  
Yixing blanches. "That's not important."  
“Yes it is Yixing!”  
“Jongin likes you and you like him back no matter how much you try to deny it. My feelings don't matter.” Yixing says quietly.  
“How can your feelings not matter to me? You're my best friend.” Kyungsoo cries.  
“I just want you both to be happy.”  
“Are you telling me you'd be okay if me and Jongin were a thing?”  
"I-"  
The brief hesitation is all Kyungsoo needs. "See? You wouldn't be. It would just hurt you every day to see us together. And I'm not willing to lose you."  
"STOP it Kyungsoo! Don't make me the bad guy. If you're going to let him go then you're doing it because of your own reasons. Don't be a coward and use me as an excuse. I will sort out my own feelings. It's about time you faced yours." Yixing stalks to the door but then turns back. "And Kyungsoo. I'm not willing to lose you either but this cruel, heartless man is not the Kyungsoo I know. I want my best friend back. And I want Jongin to be happy, whatever it takes."

Yixing leaves and Kyungsoo is left alone to think. This further complicates things. He doesn't want Yixing to get hurt because of him. He doesn't know why it matters, he doesn't like like Jongin anyway. Right?

He's not sure of anything anymore. He definitely feels something for Jongin but he doesn't know what it is. It couldn't be love because his heart still thundered at the thought of Kai. Could he love Kai and like Jongin at the same time? That didn't make any sense.

Since Jongin arrived, nothing made sense.  
\---  
Jongin calls him once more but when Kyungsoo doesn't answer he stops. It's been almost a month since he has seen Jongin and sometimes it almost feels like he misses him. But he still misses Kai so he doesn't know what that even means. Yixing is still a little aloof with him, but Kyungsoo is working on winning him back. They don't discuss Jongin although he knows Yixing is still in contact with him. Kyungsoo wonders if Jongin knows that Yixing likes him. Probably not. Jongin isn't the type to lead people on.

One morning Kyungsoo is scrolling through Twitter when he sees that Jongin is trending. He looks through the tweets, not understanding why fans are crying and saying goodbye. He panics a little bit and Googles Jongin to see if he can find any real information.

The article he finds doesn't help calm him at all. Jongin had gotten an offer to open a store in London and was considering moving there for the opportunity. The thought of Jongin leaving doesn't sit well with him. But what right does he have to feel anything? He was the one that pushed Jongin away time and again only to call him back whenever it suited him and then throw him away again. Now Jongin was finally free from him. This was a good thing for Jongin and his career. Kyungsoo's feelings didn't matter.

  
**Jongin**

  
Jongin knows he shouldn't but still he finds himself driving to the community centre. Something tells him Kyungsoo would be there. He's right.

Kyungsoo is resting against a tree with his eyes closed. The wind rustles his hair gently. Jongin is taken aback by how beautiful he is. He takes a moment to even out his breathing before approaching.

Kyungsoo opens his eyes as Jongin gets closer, not looking at all surprised by his appearance. He sits close by and Kyungsoo shuts his eyes again.

"Hey. How have you been?" No answer. "I just wanted to tell you that I got an offer to open a store in London."  
“I saw the news.” Kyungsoo says.  
“Minseok thinks I should go for it.”  
“It's a great opportunity.”  
“I'll have to move there. It'll take a couple of years to sort everything out.” Jongin says tentatively.  
“Congratulations you've worked hard for this.”  
What response had he been hoping for?  
“I- Kyungsoo. You know why I'm here don't you?” Kyungsoo doesn't answer. “I know I'm being clingy and probably annoying and I still don't even know how you feel about me if I'm honest but I have to try. For myself.”  
A muscle in Kyungsoo's jaw clenches. "You should go Jongin."  
Jongin's heart hurts. "Kyungsoo please."  
Kyungsoo finally opens his eyes and looks at Jongin. "If I tell you to stay will you?"  
"You know I will Kyungsoo. Do you want me to?"  
"I don't know what I want."  
"Kyungsoo I love you. I'm in love with you but I can’t do this anymore. I can’t bear the look in your eyes when you look at me and see only him. I'm tired of being the memory of a past pain." He can’t keep his voice from cracking.  
"I'm not over Kai." Kyungsoo whispers.  
"Please, Kyungsoo can't you just give me a chance? Can't you look at me and see _me_?"  
Jongin knows he sounds pathetic but he has to try. There's a brief hesitation and foolishly Jongin lets himself hope.  
"No," Kyungsoo says cold and distant. "You don't deserve me."

Jongin had told himself before coming that he wouldn't hope for anything. He would be content with whatever the outcome was and move on. But that doesn't make it hurt any less. There's nothing more to say so Jongin gets up.

He's giving up on the man he loves.

**Kyungsoo**

  
" _Kyungsoo I love you. I'm in love with you."_  
His chest squeezes so painfully tight it's hard to breathe.

 _“I can’t do this anymore. I can’t bear the look in your eyes when you look at me and see only him. I'm tired of being the memory of a past pain."_  
Kyungsoo looks at Jongin who has stopped trying to hold his composure and just let himself break down. He's not quite brave enough to say the words that won’t make it past his heart. The truth is he doesn’t look at Jongin and see Kai anymore, he hasn’t for a while now. In fact, he can hardly believe he used to think they were the same at all.

Jongin is everything that Kai is not. Soft, sweet and sincere. Jongin is so enamored by the world and adorably excited about everything in it. He is a ray of sunshine and support to all those around him regardless of how they treat him. He's hopelessly romantic and infuriatingly optimistic. Nothing like Kai.

Even his face is different to Kai's. There's a glow of sincerity in his eyes that is exclusive to Jongin. His features are softer and kinder with an air of innocence that makes Kyungsoo want to protect him from all the cruelty of this world. But it's Kyungsoo that Jongin needs protection from.

" _Please, Kyungsoo can't you just give me a chance? Can't you look at me and see me?"_ The desperation in Jongin's voice makes Kyungsoo's chest ache.

He wants nothing more than to say yes, to take Jongin into his arms and wipe away his tears. To reassure him that he's not just the memory of something he regrets. That he's special and wonderful and full of so much love and spreads so much happiness.

But he can't. Yixing was right, it was unfair to Jongin to keep him close and let him hope when he doesn't even know what he wants. He's not sure about what he feels just yet and if it's just a passing feeling then he doesn't want to risk hurting Jongin. He's done enough of that. Since the first time they met right up until this moment the only thing he's ever done to Jongin is hurt him.

He wants to be selfish and hold Jongin close regardless. He wants to feel the things Jongin makes him feel, things he hasn't felt since Kai. He wants to experience all the pleasure and pain he has to offer, new things that he's never experienced before Jongin.

Instead he forces words that feel like hot lava out of his mouth. "No Jongin. You don't deserve me."

The shock and hurt is clear on Jongin's face and Kyungsoo hates himself for being the one to inflict it yet again. He watches Jongin walk away, notices the way his head hangs and his shoulders shake with sobs and he knows in his heart that this scene will keep him up at night. In that moment he realises something.

He wants Jongin to be happy, whether it's with him or not, Jongin's happiness means something to him. But a part of him also wants to be the one to make Jongin happy. As much hurt as he'd given, he wants to give him back tenfold in happiness.

He wants to figure out what he feels and wants and when he does, he wants to return to Jongin. He just hopes he's not too late.

 _You don't deserve me. You deserve better_.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's official: Sequels are harder to write than the main story 😭

***One year later***

Award season. It's that time of year again. Kyungsoo reads the invitation but rather than the anticipation he used to feel at being nominated there's nothing but dread now. This time last year he had won an award and dedicated it to his asshole boyfriend live on TV only to be ridiculed months later when Kai's affair had been exposed to the world. 

The general public had gone  _ wild  _ when the news broke. Most were still hostile and un-accepting of his sexuality and they took this opportunity to write hateful, homophobic comments all over the internet. Despite being the victim of the situation Kyungsoo faced severe backlash after the scandal and it was a while before he could go back to work.

Not to mention he had been an absolute dick to Jongin, hurting the man who had been nothing but sincere and kind to him. He had driven Jongin away with his stubbornness and ended up losing him. He'd been too consumed by Kai to see Jongin. Only now that he's gone Kyungsoo has come to terms with his feelings.

Because he  _ did _ have feelings for Jongin. The realisation came only after losing Jongin; he had woken up and it had registered to him that the lingering feelings he had for Kai were purely out of habit. He was clinging on because Kai was all he'd known for the last five years and suddenly he was left untethered with no closure to help heal the gaping wound the asshole had left.

Strangely, his feelings for Jongin only grew with time and distance. Looking back at his behaviour without his heartbreak in the way he could now understand just how shitty he had been and exactly how much crap Jongin had put up with. He was beginning to truly appreciate the beautiful nature of the person he had lost and realising how pure Jongin's love for him had been.

But it was too late for regrets. Kyungsoo had made his bed and now he would lie in it no matter how painful it was.

The only slight relief during that time was that Kai's bad karma had caught up to him. The fans had been less than pleased with the cheating scandal and Kai had been ostracised to the point of announcing a haitus from his work. Kyungsoo has yet to hear of his whereabouts to this day. 

"Soo?" Yixing taps his arm. "You listening?"

"Sorry, what?"

"I said the director of the new drama wants to meet."

"Sure." Kyungsoo nods.

Yixing looks at him in concern, then looks at the invitation he's holding in his hand. "Is everything okay?"

"Yeah."

Yixing squeezes his shoulder reassuringly, a reminder that he's there for Kyungsoo no matter what. The past few months had been particularly difficult because he didn't have the comfort from Yixing that he had grown accustomed to over the years. He knew Yixing was on his own journey of recovery so leaning on him was not an option. While he hadn't lost Jongin as dramatically as Kyungsoo had, he still needed time to get over his own feelings. 

Despite that, it was in Yixing's selfless nature to put Kyungsoo first and he always made sure to let Kyungsoo know that he was there. It was tempting at times but he was done being selfish. This was his own fault, he would deal with the consequences of his actions alone. Yixing wasn't happy with this decision but Kyungsoo left him no choice. It was Kyungsoo's turn to comfort Yixing the way he had been comforted after the breakup with Kai.

Kyungsoo had taken Yixing for granted for too long and he would put Yixing's happiness before his own, just like Yixing had always been willing to do for him.

\---

"London!?" Kyungsoo repeats. "You want me to go to London?"

Director Min nods. "Is that a problem?"

"No but why London?"

"The writer is originally from London and wants the last drama before her retirement to be set in her hometown. I can't exactly refuse now can I?"

"I guess not." Kyungsoo sighs. Perhaps he should just drop out of the project.

As though reading his mind Yixing jumps in. "We'll discuss it and get back to you Director. Please give us a little time."

"Okay fine, but we need an answer ASAP." Director Min warns.

Yixing all but drags him out of the room and into the parking lot where he turns on him. "What the hell?"

"I didn't even say anything." Kyungsoo raises his hands in surrender.

"I know you and I saw that look on your face. Don't even think about it."

Kyungsoo plays dumb. "Think about what?" 

"Kyungsoo come on, you're not in the position to be turning down dramas, especially not this writer and director." Yixing pleads. "You're a good actor, I know that but people don't care. They'll try to drag you down no matter what."

"I know I know." Kyungsoo remembers the cancelled dramas and CF's after he and Kai were exposed and then again when Kai's cheating came to light.

Yixing watches him closely. "It's because of Jongin isn't it?"

That's the first time Yixing had explicitly mentioned Jongin for months. Kyungsoo doesn't meet his eyes and that's enough of an answer for Yixing.

"Don't be stupid Kyungsoo, this is your career and livelihood. Besides London is huge you're hardly going to bump into him."

"But what if I do?"

Yixing shrugs. "I'll be there with you."

_ That makes it worse.  _ Kyungsoo thinks.

"We're going. Okay?" Yixing squeezes his hand.

Kyungsoo squeezes back. He'll do this for Yixing. "Okay."

\---

Kyungsoo hates England already. It's fucking cold and it hasn't stopped raining since they landed at Heathrow Airport last night. Everything is kind of discoloured and dull like someone's put a shitty retro filter over the whole city.

"Isn't it supposed to be summer?" Kyungsoo glares out of the hotel window.

Yixing laughs. "We're in Britain Soo. They don't do summer here."

"Ugh it's miserable."

"I checked the forecast it should clear up soon. We can go sightseeing if you want."

"No. I'm going to stay here and learn my lines."

"You've already learnt them." Yixing stops unpacking his luggage and walks over to Kyungsoo. "Soo we should talk about what's bothering you. You've been off again since the director mentioned coming to London."

"I'm fine."

"No you're not. I'm worried about you, I thought you were getting better."

Kyungsoo turns away from the view and looks at Yixing. "Why do you always worry about me? I'm a grown man."

"Well because it's literally my job to worry but also you're my best friend and I hate seeing you sad."

"I'm not sad." Kyungsoo lies. "Yixing can you do me a favour?"

"Anything."

"Stop being so selfless. Do what you want and what makes you happy. Even if you think that I'll be against it or it might hurt me."

Yixing's brows furrow and he squints his eyes like he does when he's trying to figure something out. "Are… are you firing me?"

Kyungsoo snorts. "What the hell? Where did you get that from you idiot."

"What else does that mean then?" Yixing pouts. 

"It means that if there is something you desire I want you to go for it no matter what. Be as selfish as you want and don't worry about me. Forget about everyone else and what they think. Put your happiness first okay?"

"Something I desire that makes me happy but will hurt you?" Yixing repeats slowly. "How would something that hurts you make me happy?"

Kyungsoo could cry at the genuine confusion on Yixing's face. "Oh my God Yixing you're so frustratingly pure I hate you!"

Yixing just looks increasingly lost but thankfully his phone rings so their conversation is cut short and Kyungsoo doesn't have to stumble over his words like an idiot. 

He's not entirely sure what he means to say anyway.

\---

He stays true to his word and remains holed up in the hotel for a week, not leaving unless it's for work. The weather has cleared up although it's still chilly and Yixing tries to lure him out with promises of good food but Kyungsoo is resolute.

It takes running out of ramen to finally get him to leave. He'd tried calling Yixing but it had gone straight to voicemail and ringing down to reception hadn't worked either. Apparently they didn't keep instant ramen in storage for some reason. A quick Google search tells him where he can find a Korean supermarket close by.

Kyungsoo wraps up warm but decides against a face mask. He probably wouldn't be recognised anyway and he's not going far. He steps out of the supermarket with his purchases and looks around properly for the first time. It's not as dull and gray as he had imagined and now that he's actually looking, London is pretty. He wanders through a few streets, doing typical tourist things like taking pictures of those red phone boxes and bumping into rushing pedestrians who aren't as polite as all British people are made out to be.

A little while later Kyungsoo finds himself stepping into Hyde Park. He can't claim it to be an accident- this was exactly what he had been trying to avoid by locking himself up at the hotel after all. It's common knowledge that Jongin frequents the park as his store is close by and it's a good scenic place to stream for his fans. Why Kyungsoo keeps up with Jongin's activities when all it does is torture him is something he can't answer.

Part of him wants so badly to run into Jongin and see the man in the flesh after yearning for so long but an even bigger part hopes he never has to see him again because he knows that despite finally coming to terms with how he feels, he can't be sure if Jongin still feels the same way. He doesn't know if he can accept the possibility that Jongin has moved on. Kyungsoo doubts it but the distance might make it easier to lose him this time.

And yet, Kyungsoo walks towards Jongin's favourite fountain and sits on the bench Jongin frequents in his weekly videos. Sitting there, Kyungsoo feels a weight settle heavily on his shoulders and over his heart. It surrounds him, making it hard to breathe, as he thinks about Jongin coming here. He imagines Jongin chatting to friends, laughing, eating, maybe even bringing a boyfriend and spending time together. His stomach does a little flip at the thought of Jongin coming here with  _ him _ . He'd had the chance to make that happen and boy had he fucked it up. 

As though sensing his mood, the sun disappears behind the gathering clouds. Soon enough it begins to rain, thick heavy drops splashing onto Kyungsoo but he can't find it in himself to move. Around him, people are unphased like this is a normal occurrence. Some passers by pull out umbrellas from seemingly nowhere, others don't bat an eyelid, just speed up a little to get to where they need faster.

Kyungsoo watches the park empty out, the rain soaking him to the skin but still he doesn't move. His glasses begin to fog up so he takes them off and puts them in his pocket. When he looks up, he can see a figure walking up the path towards him. Kyungsoo can't see his face but the man stands out. He's tall and has a huge black umbrella shielding his expensive looking three piece suit from the rain.

Something about him has Kyungsoo staring and when he gets close enough that he can see Kyungsoo sucks in a sharp breath. Hearing his gasp Jongin looks over and his step falters. Kyungsoo stands slowly, water droplets streaming down his face. Jongin is staring at him intently, lips slightly agape. 

Time seems to slow down, the world coming to a stand still around Kyungsoo. He opens his mouth to say something then closes it when words fail him. Jongin's shocked face settles back into something like indifference and he continues walking. He doesn't stop even when he's reached Kyungsoo, stepping around him like he's not there. Then he's gone, almost like he was never there but Kyungsoo can still feel his presence. He can't shake the feeling that there's something inexplicably  _ different _ about Jongin.

Kyungsoo stands in the rain long after he's gone, letting the cold seep in and freeze out the ache in his chest. Kyungsoo isn't sure if his cheeks are soaked with rain or tears.

\---

Kyungsoo sleeps fitfully, waking up every few hours. Sometimes he's too cold, sometimes he's too hot. He dreams about things he can't remember when he wakes up but he knows they make him sad. The feeling lingers even after he wakes.

"Is everything okay?" Yixing calls out from his bed across the room. 

Kyungsoo sniffs and burrows further into his covers. He's somehow sweating and freezing at the same time and his head feels like it's stuffed with cotton balls.

Yixing comes over, pulling the duvet down and touches his forehead. "You're burning up Soo."

Kyungsoo hums weakly, leaning into Yixing to steal his warmth.

"Did you get caught in the rain yesterday?"

Kyungsoo hums again. Yixing sighs and disappears briefly. He returns with a wet towel which he places on Kyungsoo's forehead then calls for room service. 

"I'm going to call the director and cancel the meeting."

"Uh-uh." Kyungsoo croaks. "Meeting…important."

Yixing changes his towel to a cooler one. "Not in this condition. You need rest."

"...going."

"No."

"Have to." Kyungsoo insists.

"Soo-"

"...or I'll go alone."

Yixing groans. "How are you so stubborn even when you're sick? Okay fine but we're only staying for an hour."

"Kay." Kyungsoo mumbles then buries himself back into the bed.

Even though he insisted on going earlier, Kyungsoo kind of regrets it now. The jostling of the car is making him feel nauseous as hell and every bump on the road feels like a hammer to his skull. He feels like shit and he looks like shit too. His cheeks are flushed with fever and his eyes are heavy and swollen. If he gets photographed like this he might die from embarrassment if this fever doesn't get him first.

Yixing helps him into the production company's building and leads him to the conference room. Kyungsoo barely registers the walk, just Yixing's firm grip on his arm. They're the first to arrive so Yixing leaves to get Kyungsoo a hot drink while they wait. Exhausted already and freezing despite the many layers he's wearing, Kyungsoo lays his cheek on the cool table and breathes out a relieved sigh.

He really wishes he had gone ahead and cancelled the meeting but he knows it would have been too short notice and the team would have already gone through all the trouble of setting up. A meeting without the main actor would be pointless and Kyungsoo isn't one to make others suffer on his account. He's cursing his manners now though as his skull throbs painfully. 

The door clicks open and Kyungsoo raises his head slowly, ready to accept the beverage Yixing brought back. Instead, he finds himself squinting up at Jongin who stands in the doorway like he isn't sure if he should come in. Kyungsoo blinks to make sure he's seeing right. There's no reason for Jongin to be here.

Even in his state Kyungsoo has to appreciate how good he looks. He's not dressed fancy like yesterday but the jeans and sweater combo look amazing anyway. His hair is down and messy and he looks… painfully boyfriend. His neck suddenly giving out, Kyungsoo's head thunks back onto the table and he's glad his cheeks are already beet red because if not they would have turned it right now. Why did Jongin have to see him like this?

Jongin steps into the room and takes a seat opposite Kyungsoo. He doesn't have to lift his head to know that Jongin is watching him- he can  _ feel _ his gaze. Kyungsoo contemplates if he should say hi but Jongin doesn't seem all too interested in greeting him. Also that feeling from yesterday is back. This is most definitely Jongin but he feels different somehow and it makes Kyungsoo reluctant to approach him. He's scared of what he's going to find.

The door opens again and Yixing steps through. He makes a surprised sound and then rushes to Jongin who stands and wraps his arms around him. Kyungsoo's stomach flips as he remembers Jongin's starkly different reaction to seeing him yesterday. After a couple of moments of excited chattering, Yixing seems to remember Kyungsoo and hands him a steaming mug.

"Soo I got you some Lemsip." Kyungsoo's answer is a grunt but Yixing understands it anyway. "Apparently it's what British people drink to get rid of colds. I thought it might help until we can get to a pharmacy."

"Thank you." Kyungsoo mumbles but doesn't raise his head to take it.

The meeting is short, the team taking Kyungsoo's sickness into consideration. They go over the main points quickly, Kyungsoo glaring at the table the entire time in an effort to keep his head upright and his eyes open. He can still feel Jongin watching him and it's making his hot flushes even worse. 

The reason for his appearance comes to light- he's a friend of the director and considering their past success as a duo, the director had asked Jongin a favour to be part of the costume team. Jongin had accepted (Kyungsoo wonders why) and would be assigning the outfits for the lead actor and actress. He understands nothing else, certain Yixing would fill him in later. 

The meeting ends and the team leave one by one but Jongin stays seated. Even when Yixing leaves to get the car, he stays. Kyungsoo stares down at his hands, the awkwardness in the air so thick he can feel it pressing down on his shoulders. 

"Are you alright?" Jongin asks eventually and Kyungsoo starts at the suddenness of his voice in the silence.

"Uh-" He whispers, unable to form much more. Why does he have to meet Jongin like  _ this _ ?

"When it rains you're supposed to go inside, not just sit there." Jongin says softly.

He sounds so much like the Jongin that Kyungsoo once knew that his head snaps up. There's a gentle, almost caring look on Jongin's face that makes Kyungsoo's throat run dry. The look is quickly replaced by the casual indifference that seems to be Jongin's new signature look.

"Lemsip sucks by the way, especially the blackcurrant flavour." And with that, Jongin is gone.

Kyungsoo picks up the now lukewarm drink and takes a tentative sip. He immediately regrets it. Jongin is right, it  _ is _ gross.

\---

It takes three days for the last of Kyungsoo's cold to finally disappear, just in time for filming to start. He's more nervous than usual as they head to the filming site because he knows Jongin will be there today. It shouldn't matter but it does. Facing Jongin again is more nervewrecking than most things he's experienced before.

Yixing on the other hand is delighted at having come back into contact with him all of a sudden. He repeatedly asks if Kyungsoo is okay with seeing him- still the forever supportive friend- but he can't hide his own happiness. Kyungsoo hasn't forgotten that Yixing was in love with Jongin at one point and while it had never bothered him before now he was beginning to think. 

It was hard to stop loving someone, Kyungsoo knows he's been trying for almost a year already with no results. While Yixing was acting like he was alright there was no knowing how he truly felt. Kyungsoo couldn't ask either considering how they'd left it off but It's a small worry so Kyungsoo doesn't pay it much heed for now.

It seems Jongin gets more beautiful every time Kyungsoo sees him. Especially when he's smiling and laughing like Kyungsoo is used to. It makes him seem like the old Jongin who had his feelings written on his face and who braved the world with a smile no matter what. 

He wasn't smiling at Kyungsoo of course. No, Kyungsoo watches him talk to Yixing from the corner of his eye as he's getting his makeup done. To Kyungsoo he's cold and straight faced, only talking to him where necessary. It's treatment well deserved but it still leaves Kyungsoo feeling dejected. 

Kyungsoo watches Yixing too. The way he smiles happily and seems awfully close and comfortable despite only having reunited a few days ago. The little worry at the back of Kyungsoo's mind gets a bit bigger.

Filming goes well, Jongin staying through to the end even though he's not technically needed. Him and Yixing sit off in a corner the entire day and Kyungsoo finds himself paying more attention to them than the script. When the day is over the director invites the team out for drinks. Kyungsoo spends the night watching Jongin in awe of how much he's changed. 

He's more outgoing now although the shy blush when he gets praise or attention is still there. He doesn't apologise as much as he used to, exuding a new type of confidence that was usually reserved solely for photoshoots. He can also hold his alcohol better than he used to, downing three bottles and still managing not to face plant onto onto table. Kyungsoo wonders when he even had the time to notice all of this.

Watching Jongin means watching Yixing too. The two cling to each other giggling like children. They both look so radiant, so filled filled with joy in each other's company that Kyungsoo can't stand to watch them and leaves, crying fatigue. He waits for Yixing at the hotel but when it hits 1 am and he's not back Kyungsoo climbs into bed and turns out the lights.

That night turns out to be the start of many for Jongin and Yixing. It seems Yixing is always out to meet Jongin and even on set they're inseparable. When the lead actress asks Kyungsoo if they're dating he laughs uneasily. He plays it off like it doesn't bother him but if he's honest it panics him a little. He doesn't like the idea of Jongin and Yixing together and yet he knows he has no right to interfere. 

Both Yixing and Jongin deserve the world and all the goodness it could offer and if each other was what made them happy then Kyungsoo was willing to sacrifice his own feelings. He thinks back to the conversion with Yixing on their first night in England, how he had promised himself to focus on Yixing's happiness and stop being selfish. 

Kyungsoo has time and so he thinks, slowly piecing together the things he's missed. The spike in Yixing's mood all of a sudden for one. In all the years they'd known each other he had never seen Yixing quite like this. He was like a child at Christmas- overexcited, giddy and bloody hell the smile never left his face. Perhaps for Yixing this is more than just a reunion between old friends. 

He can't be sure what Jongin feels, he'd gotten good at his poker face over the last year so it was impossible to tell. But there was no denying the warmth with which Jongin greeted Yixing and the fact that he seemed to enjoy his company. Much more than he did Kyungsoo's anyway.

It's a difficult decision to make but he would stay true to his words. Even if it killed him to do so. 

If Kyungsoo thought deciding to let go of Jongin would make being around him easier, he was very wrong. It's worse in a way because Kyungsoo no longer has hope that things will work out for him, there's just the bitterness of sending his best friend off to the man he's in love with. 

It claws at him every time Jongin does something that makes Kyungsoo's heart flutter. He feels it sinking in his chest when Yixing touches Jongin. Every night that Yixing stays out late or overnight, it invades his mind and threatens to choke him.

To add to his woes, the old Jongin is beginning to resurface more and more. The stoic, successful businessman is slowly replaced by the cheerful, affectionate Jongin of the past. He thinks it's Yixing's influence and while he's glad to some level, the new Jongin had been easier to block out.

The Jongin of his memories haunts him and Kyungsoo finds himself falling deeper and deeper. Jongin is still cold towards him, barely even registers that he's there most of the time but still Kyungsoo falls. It's dangerous but he can't stop himself.

\---

Almost a month after first seeing him at the park, Jongin finally talks to Kyungsoo. It's partly out of necessity but he clings to the interaction like a starving animal to meat. Jongin knocks on their hotel room looking for Yixing who has stepped out briefly. Kyungsoo invites him in, fully expecting him to refuse but Jongin nods and follows him in.

He sits on the couch, the drink Kyungsoo had handed him clutched in his fingers. He looks a little uncomfortable, worrying at his lips and avoiding eye contact.

Kyungsoo stands against the doorframe and decides to grow a pair. "So how- how have you been?"

"Good. As you can see." Jongin mumbles, staring into his water.

Kyungsoo can't help but laugh. "God, this is awkward."

"Yeah." Jongin laughs too. "Sorry about before."

"When?"

"Um… the last few weeks. I know I was rude I just didn't know how to react, you know? You came so suddenly I just-"

Kyungsoo tuts. "Just when I was thinking you had fixed that habit."

"What habit?"

"The one where you always apologise for everything."

"Oh." Jongin scratches the back of his neck. "I have actually."

"I noticed. Anyway you have nothing to apologise for. If anything I should be the one saying sorry. It's my fault really."

"But still. That's in the past, right? We should forget about it." He says it casually with no emotion in his eyes.

Kyungsoo swallows. "Yep. The past."

After that it's easier to talk to Jongin. They greet each other and chat like old acquaintances but there's still an air of awkwardness there. They'd agreed to leave the past behind but it was still stuck between them, the elephant in the room that they refuse to acknowledge. 

Yixing is another barrier. Whenever he feels himself getting too familiar or excited he suddenly remembers Yixing and abruptly shuts down. It must confuse Jongin, this hot and cold attitude but he doesn't comment because he's playing the same game. Sometimes he's the old Jongin, teasing and joking around but others he looks at Kyungsoo with cold, blank eyes that make Kyungsoo's inside turn.

It hurts like hell to keep himself at arms length from the man whose arms he wants to run into every time he sees him but Yixing's radiant smile is a small but soothing balm. Often he finds himself watching Yixing smile down at his phone and feels genuine happiness bubbling inside him for his best friend. It's not his happiness but it makes Kyungsoo feel warm anyway. Until he remembers who Yixing is texting and like being doused with cold water, his feelings begin to sour. 

Yixing doesn't leave him behind. He spends an increasing amount of time not at the hotel and always invites Kyungsoo before he leaves. Kyungsoo doesn't want to third wheel so he turns him down but sometimes Yixing gets creative and tricks Kyungsoo to have dinner or catch movies with Jongin. Sometimes Yixing isn't even there- it's just Jongin and Kyungsoo spending a few awkward hours together because both are too polite to leave.

Kyungsoo doesn't know what Yixing is playing at but he doesn't like it. Or so he tells himself. 

\---

Kim Jongdae visits them on set one day, surprising everyone. He doesn't stay long as he has other appointments but he's very attentive to Jongin while he's there. Jongin doesn't look happy to see him but it's a different type of unhappiness to the last time. This time he looks annoyed. After Jongdae has left Yixing asks if Jongin is okay.

"Yeah, he's just very persistent." Jongin sighs.

"What do you mean?" Yixing asks.

"He came to London a few months back for a photoshoot or something and we bumped into each other by accident. He hasn't left me alone since."

"He wants to get back together?"

"Yeah apparently he's had a change of heart."

Yixing's eyebrows shoot up. "Why so suddenly?"

"I don't know but I'm this close to getting a restraining order."

Seeing Jongdae bothers Kyungsoo too because it's a reminder of his shitty behaviour from the past. It's embarrassing and the guilt eats at him whenever they meet. The fact that Jongdae had hit on him when they first met isn't forgotten either.

Jongin wasn't lying when he said Jongdae is persistent. He visits often and brings gifts every time he does. It obviously rattles Jongin who makes it very clear that he has no interest in Jongdae but it's like yelling at a deaf man. 

Jongdae makes another visit one night when Yixing isn't there. Usually Yixing acts as Jongin's buffer so he isn't left alone at Jongdae's clutches. Jongin is able to act busy until shooting is over for the day when he runs out of excuses and Jongdae still hasn't left. Having watched Jongin suffer for a few hours Kyungsoo decides to step in.

"Hey." Kyungsoo walks over to where Jongin is sat beside Jongdae who has brought him a box of chocolate. Jongdae waves at him. Kyungsoo smiles tightly. "There's been a little problem with the costume department they need you."

Jongin frowns. "What? Haven't they gone home?"

"Uh." Kyungsoo should have thought this through a bit better. "Well actually I'm the one with a problem. One of my suits for tomorrow. They said to find you."

"I'm pretty sure I double and triple checked everything." Jongin says. Kyungsoo stares hard at him hoping the message gets across. Finally understanding dawns in his eyes. "Oh I know the one you're talking about. Of course I'll help you."

"Thank you." Kyungsoo breathes. "Jongdae it's probably best if you went home this is going to take a while."

"Oh that's okay I'll wait."

"No you should go." Jongin says. "This stuff is very tiring."

Jongdae nods. "Ah okay. I'll see you soon."

"Right. Of course. Kyungsoo lets go."

Kyungsoo waves to Jongdae and then Jongin is dragging him away towards the little mobile that they use as a cupboard. Jongin produces the key and unlocks the door for them. He switches the lights on and they close the door behind them. There are still windows though so Kyungsoo pretends to point out some random clothes and Jongin nods like he's thinking. Suddenly Kyungsoo bursts out laughing and a moment later Jongin follows him.

"I can't believe we have to sneak around just to get away from a guy."

"That's your fault for being so attractive." Kyungsoo laughs and then realises what he's said. "Uh…"

Jongin snickers. "I am pretty hot I've got to admit."

"Oh I've seen better." Kyungsoo lies.

"Well give me their numbers then because they must be next level ethereal."

Kyungsoo shakes his head and sits down on the one battered couch available. Jongin produces two sodas from somewhere and joins him. They clink their cans together and settle back to wait it out.

"Do you think it's safe?" Kyungsoo asks after a few minutes of heavy silence.

"Knowing Jongdae, no." 

"True. By the way… I'm sorry." Kyungsoo knows its awkward to bring it up but he can't live with the guilt. "For what I did. Back then. When I knew what Jongdae was and how he made you feel. I-"

"Hey man. I'm over it. You fucked up but it's okay now." Jongin sounds like he doesn't want to be part of this conversation so Kyungsoo drops it.

Just when it feels like they're in the clear they hear rustling and footsteps outside.

"For fucks sake!" Jongin cries. 

"I'm gonna call the police on this stalker." Kyungsoo mutters darkly and Jongin laughs.

"I couldn't. He's too sweet I'd feel terrible."

They hear the door rattle and Kyungsoo turns to look at Jongin just as Jongin turns to look at him. The couch is at the far end of the mobile but in direct view of the door. It's a two seater couch so they're sat very close. If Jongdae walked in he could get the wrong idea. Or the right idea. Jongin has the same thought, Kyungsoo can tell by the way his eyes flicker to his lips very briefly. He's hesitant though. Kyungsoo is ready and willing. 

The lock clicks and Kyungsoo sees Jongin make the decision but by the time he registers it, Jongin's lips are already pressing gently against his. He makes a noise that sort of sounds like a breath of relief and against his will his entire body relaxes. Months of tension bleed out of him at the mere touch of Jongin's lips. His eyes slide shut and his hands find Jongin's waist. There's no resistance so he clutches on.

Jongin shifts as though he might pull away and Kyungsoo lurches forward, pulling him back in. He attacks Jongin's lips, spurred on when Jongin kisses back just as hard, his hands fisting in Kyungsoo's hair. They'd kissed before in similar circumstances but never like this. This kiss is heated, a little bit angry and full of yearning. At least on Kyungsoo's end.

The door slamming shut startles Kyungsoo out of his daze and he suddenly realises what he's doing. He pushes Jongin back, eyes wide. He looks at Jongin's equally dazed face and almost rushes him again. His cheeks are flushed, lips swollen red in an irresistible way. Kyungsoo raises a hand and covers his own mouth. What had he just done?

Jongin blinks at him, clearly confused. He must be. Kyungsoo was acting shocked when moments ago it was him who had practically jumped on Jongin. But this had nothing to do with Jongin or the way his heart was skipping giddily in his chest and everything to do with Yixing. Yixing, his best friend who he had just betrayed.

Kyungsoo stands and rushes out of the mobile, running all the way to his car. Part of him is disappointed that Jongin doesn't run after him and he hates it. He's disgusted at himself.

The plan works and Jongdae stops showing up but Kyungsoo can't look Yixing or Jongin in the face. Yixing because of the guilt eating at him. Jongin because seeing him ignites the desire to kiss him again and again and again.

Kyungsoo loses it when Yixing comes back one night wasted and giggling like a maniac. He crawls into Kyungsoo's bed, snuggling his back.

"Soo." He slurs.

"Yeah?"

"Do you hate me?"

Kyungsoo turns around and faces Yixing. "No! Why would you think that?"

"You don't talk to me anymore. You don't look at me… I'm supposed to be happy but it's making me sad."

Kyungsoo strokes his hair. "I'm sorry Xing. I don't hate you I promise."

"Okay good because I love you Soo."

"I love you too Xing. Are you happy again?"

"Yes! Very! Because of you. And because of him." Yixing grins and Kyungsoo's heart drops.

"Because of him?"

"Mmhmm." Yixing hums. "Didn't think I had a soulmate. But I found him Soo!"

Kyungsoo feels sick. The memory of the kiss comes back to him, winding him. 

Fuck. FUCK. FUCK.

"Who is  _ 'him' _ ?" Kyungsoo asks even though he doesn't need to. But maybe, there's a chance-

"Its a secret." Yixing says. He wiggles closer and whispers in Kyungsoo's ear. "You already know him. Shhshhshshs."

"Fuck." Kyungsoo groans. 

He's done it again. He fucked up like he always did. Keeping it a secret was out of the question. He doesn't know how far Yixing and Jongin are, whether they're just figuring things out or already have a label. Either way, what they did was wrong. It would class as cheating in anyones books. 

A stab of pure terror hits Kyungsoo's heart. He was no better than Kai. Looking down at Yixing sleeping so peacefully with a content smile on his face, Kyungsoo decides. He would tell him in the morning.

\---

Morning comes and Kyungsoo can't do it. It's different in the light of the day. The problem seems a lot bigger and scarier now. Yixing looks so pure and fragile and Kyungsoo can't break his heart. He paces in the bathroom unsure about what to do. He doesn't want to hide it but he doesn't want to hurt Yixing either.

Jongin! Of course. He could ask Jongin. Jongin would know. He grabs a jacket and runs out of the hotel room pretending not to hear Yixing calling his name. He hails a taxi and asks to be taken to Jongin's place. He doesn't even know why he knows the address. 

Jongin lives in a fancy apartment building with revolving doors and security guards at the entrance. He has no issues getting in because the guard fortunately recognises him. Kyungsoo thanks him and rushes to the elevators. He pounds on the door until a bleary eyed Jongin opens it. 

The first thing he notices is that he's topless. He has a flashback to when he'd done the same thing and Jongin had opened the door in almost nothing (the briefs didn't count as clothing). Shaking his head he pushes past Jongin who doesn't look awake yet.

"What's going on?" He mumbles.

Kyungsoo paces in the hallway. "We fucked up. I fucked up."

"What?"

"How could you kiss me?" Kyungsoo demands.

"Excuse me?" That seems to wake Jongin up. "Pretty sure it takes two to tango."

"You should have stopped me!"

"Uh…"

Kyungsoo runs a hand through his hair. "No you're right. I can't blame anyone but myself. Forget that. What are we going to do now?"

"Why would we do anything?"

"Because we need to explain! We can't just keep it a secret."

Jongin looks perplexed. "I'm not sure I'm following are we still talking about the kiss?" 

"Yes!"

"Why would we tell anyone? I kissed you to get Jongdae off my back and we got carried away. There's nothing else to it."

It shouldn't but that stings. Kyungsoo gets a little side tracked. "Really? That was  _ it _ ? You didn't feel anything?"

"Of course not. Why, did you?"

Kyungsoo opens his mouth but quickly snaps it shut. This is not what he was here for. "Anyway, we need to figure this situation out."

"There is no situation Kyungsoo."

"Yes there is?"

"Yeah well care to explain it to me?"

"The situation is that.. I love you." Where the fuck did that come from? "I'm in love with you...but I know can't be."

Something like surprise crosses Jongin's face. "And why is that?"

"You know why! Because of Yixing."

"Yixing?" Jongin repeats.

"Yes! He's my best friend and I've betrayed him. The kiss… I don't know how I'm going to explain it."

Jongin is staring intently at him. "What happened to you? The old Kyungsoo wasn't this selfless."

"The old Kyungsoo was a jerk."

"Yeah he was."

Kyungsoo winces at his tone. "I'm sorry Jongin. I know I can't take back the hurt I made you feel but I truly am sorry. You didn't deserve that."

"No I didn't. Like I said before it's in the past don't bother yourself over it. Now I'd like you to leave please."

"But what about-"

"Now." Jongin cuts him off. With one last look, Jongin steps past Kyungsoo and closes the bedroom door. Kyungsoo stares at the wood, unsure what to do or how to feel.

He leaves Jongin's house and decides to walk back to the hotel. It gives him time to think. Plan A had failed so it looked like he was going to have to confess to Yixing. His heart thunders in his chest at the thought of losing Yixing too. He'd already lost Jongin twice. Yixing was his last thread. Without him… Kyungsoo stops himself. 

Stepping into the hotel room, Kyungsoo feels a painful lump form in his throat. Seeing Yixing smile at him almost makes him turn around and walk away but he forces himself to stay. No more being selfish.

"Yixing we need to talk."

Yixing is immediately concerned. "What is it? Is everything okay?"

"I- I'm sorry. I was selfish again."

"What do you mean?"

"I didn't mean to it just happened." Kyungsoo pleads.

"What happened?"

Kyungsoo takes a deep breath. "I met Jongin the other night and just now."

"Okay?"

"I promised not to get involved and stay out of it but I kissed him and then today I accidentally confessed that I loved him."

Yixing blinks. "Kyungsoo I don't understand."

"I'm in love with Jongin."

Yixing doesn't look surprised. "Uh yes, I do know that. Have done for much longer than even you have probably."

"Doesn't it bother you? I  _ kissed _ him. I told him that I  _ love _ him."

"Why would it bother me?"

"Because I got in your way last time and hurt you both and I'm doing it again and fucking everything up like I always do!" Kyungsoo sobs, tears welling up.

"Wait hold on. Kyungsoo slow down. What do you mean getting in the way? Getting in the way of what?"

"Of your happiness."

Yixing takes his hand. "Kyungsoo you were never in the way. Jongin always loved you and only you back then. I never had a chance and I knew it. I got over it."

"What? But-" Kyungsoo sniffs. "But now I'm messing up what you two have again."

"Me and Jongin? You think there's something going on between us?"

"There isn't?"

Yixing makes a face. "What? No, Kyungsoo we're friends."

"But you said you found someone and-"  

"I wasn't talking about  _ Jongin _ . Why would you think that?"

"I don't know! But that doesn't make any sense. I told Jongin… if you two aren't...he didn't correct me. Why would he do that if it's not true?"

"I don't know. I'm sorry Kyungsoo." There's sympathy in Yixing's eyes.

"You don't think he's… he has hasn't he?" Kyungsoo murmurs. "He's moved on. He's forgotten about me. That's why he didn't correct me." 

Yixing pulls him into a hug and Kyungsoo breaks down.

_ I was too late. _

\---

Jongin doesn't return to the set again. He sends the planned outfits in advance and a tailor from his shop comes in for alterations. Yixing can't get hold of him either.

Kyungsoo doesn't dwell. He can't. He throws himself into his acting, distracting himself from feeling anything because he knows that if he lets himself he's going to feel  _ everything _ and lose it all again.

He puts Jongin out of his mind, or tries to. He keeps sneaking back in and Kyungsoo has to find new ways to forget. He's going to hold on for just a little longer. When filming is over he can go back to Korea and properly leave this all behind. Kyungsoo knows he's kidding himself. He hasn't been able to forget Jongin before and he won't be able to now. It doesn't matter, he only has to keep it together for a few more days.

As soon as filming is over, Kyungsoo leaves, not attending the after parties or promotional events. He's running away like a coward but Kyungsoo has never been one for bravery. The excuse of 'health concerns' isn't a lie though- his heart is definitely broken.

He locks himself in the house and indulges in all the usual breakup rituals. He watches sad movies while eating ice cream, listens to sad songs while eating ice cream and cries while eating ice cream. Yixing leaves him to it, only sending him another invite to the award show. Kyungsoo throws it away.

One morning Yixing knocks on his door with a pressed suit. He takes a look around Kyungsoo's apartment and shakes his head. He shoos Kyungsoo into the shower and does a speed clean up while he's in there. Then he trims and tidies Kyungsoo's hair and shaves his stubble. Kyungsoo feels like a helpless child but he's in the mood for pampering so he doesn't complain. 

After a full day of nothing but cuddles, Yixing reminds him that tomorrow is the ceremony before leaving. Kyungsoo sighs and climbs back into bed. He knows it will disappoint Yixing but he's not in the mood for public events. 

Yixing texts and calls him a million times to check if he's ready the next day. Kyungsoo ignores them, putting his phone in his sock drawer. He's aware that Yixing is busy and won't be able to stop by but he locks the door from the inside anyway.

At 4 o'clock there is a knock at the door. Kyungsoo doesn't see anyone on the intercom so he opens the door to check. Jongin is leaning against the wall with his arms crossed over his chest.

Kyungsoo gasps. "Jongin what are you doing here?"

"Don't you have a ceremony to get to?" Jongin straightens.

"Uh."

"Can I come in?"

"Sure." Kyungsoo opens the door wider and mentally kicks himself. He's wearing stained sweats and his house is a mess. Not that it matters he reminds himself. 

Jongin sits himself on the couch, looking around the cluttered room. "You used to be neat."

"I was- am. I am. I'm just… what are you doing in Korea?"

"My contract ended. I'm back."

"For good?" Why does he sound excited? It didn't matter to him.

"Possibly." 

"What are you doing here?" 

"Are you dissapointed?" Jongin leans back against the sofa.

"What? No."

"Oh because I thought you were running away from me."

"I'm… not." 

"Okay. Why aren't you at the award ceremony? I know this is an award you've been wanting to get for years."

Kyungsoo looks away. "I'm just not in the mood."

"Why not?"

"Jongin, please don't do this."

"Were you serious?" Jongin stands from the sofa. "When you said you're in love with me?"

Anger and tears bubble in Kyungsoo's throat. "Stop it! I get it okay! Is this what you came here for?"

"What do you get?"

"Are you going to make me spell it out? You really have changed you fucking dick."

Jongin remains calm. "I would like to know what you get."

"That you're over me. That you don't like me anymore. That you want nothing to do with me." His eyes burn but he won't cry.

"Who told you that?"

Jongins expressionless face and emotionless voice enrages him. "For fucks sake is this funny to you? No one has to tell me you showed me well enough. Why else would you let me think you and Yixing were a thing."

"Because I was mad." Jongin says simply.

"What?"

"I was fucking furious. You were such an asshole do you know that? You knew I loved you and you used it for your own gain again and again. You made me feel pathetic and worthless and disposable. Of course I was mad."

"I'm sorry I-"

Jongin ploughs on. "And  _ then _ ! And then just when I had gotten away and was starting to get better just when thinking about you didn't make me want to bawl my eyes out you return. You come back and you're all fucking adorable with your stupid eyes and your stupid smile and you're so fucking nervous and shy and apologetic and you fuck me up all over again."

"I what?" Kyungsoo whispers.

"I was going to get over you and you just wouldnt let me like the selfish prick you are. But still I thought no I'm not going to let myself go through that again, I wouldn't get hurt by you anymore you turn into this goddamn saint and sacrifice your feelings or whatever I mean what kind of BULLSHIT."

"Huh?"

"And then you had the audacity to fucking tell me you were  _ in love _ with me and holy crap did I want to slam you into the wall and kiss your brains out right there but do you know what came to my mind? You telling me that I don't deserve you."

"No!" Kyungsoo steps forwards, his hand reaching for Jongin. "No I didn't mean it like that. I meant that you deserve better than me. I was confused, I knew I couldn't love you like you deserve because I didnt even know what I was feeling. I regretted that moment every day for the past year, Jongin." 

"But despite that," Jongin sighs. "I still wanted you. I wanted you and nothing but you. I still want you."

"Jongin." Kyungsoo feels the tears spill over and slide down his cheeks.

"Kyungsoo you're a fucking asshole. But I love you anyway."

"I- I love you too." Kyungsoo whispers scarcely able to believe this was really happening.

"And now I'm going to slam you into the wall and kiss your brains out."

"Yes plea-ah!" Kyungsoo yelps as Jongin lifts him as easy as anything and (gently) pushes him up against the wall. Kyungsoo does feel like his brains have been kissed out because when Jongin eventually puts him down again, his knees give out and Jongin has to grab him.

"Can we do that again?"

"Later." Jongin promises. "We can do that and much more. But for now, Yixing told me he sent you a suit."

"For what?"

"If we hurry we can get to the venue in time for you to get your award."

"Jongin."

"Still not in the mood?" Jongin asks. He leans in and whispers in Kyungsoo's ear.

Kyungsoo chokes on his saliva and he's certain his face resembles a tomato. 

"Thats a promise but only if you listen to me and get dressed." Jongin grins and pulls him towards the bedroom.

Kyungsoo is definitely in the mood now but still not for any sort of public event.

\---

"And the award goes to… Do Kyungsoo!"

Kyungsoo accepts the award and bows to the audience. "Hi guys. I'm sure everyone knows the things that have happened over the past year. Several bad, many good, some wonderful. I would like to thank all those who supported me throughout and also all those who didn't. You have all contributed to shaping the man you see before you today. Whether you agree with my lifestyle or not I hope everyone will be kind to each other always. I have learnt that there is nothing more worthy than a kind word. This award I dedicate to… the past me. For getting through with the help of all those people who supported you. You're doing amazing!"

\----

"Jongin hurry up I'm starting it!" Kyungsoo calls out.

"Coming!" Jongin's muffled voice answers. A moment later he emerges from their bedroom in his bear onesie. 

"Oh my God."

"What?" Jongin shakes his butt. The little tail bobs up and down. "Are you taken aback by how sexy I look?"

"Babe I'm open to a lot of things but beastiality is not one of them, sit down." Kyungsoo rolls his eyes. "Where is Yixing? He said he was close ages ago."

Jongin scrunches his nose at him. "Where's the popcorn?"

"Kitchen counter. Grab it will you?"

Jongin shuffles to the kitchen only to come running back in a second later, his eyes shining. "Oh my God come see."

"What is it?" Kyungsoo asks, picking himself up off the floor and follows Jongin.

He points out of the kitchen window onto their front lawn where Yixing is…

"Holy fuck is that Junmyeon!?" Kyungsoo gasps.

Jongin giggles gleefully. "I knew it!"

"Oh my God that's gross do they know they're in public?" 

"Oi stop, they're adorable." Jongin smacks his arm lightly.

"No  _ you're _ adorable." Kyungsoo says pulling Jongin into a much sweeter, more innocent kiss than what's going on outside.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You guys have NO fucking IDEA how hard it was to stop myself writing a chapter of pure, unfiltered angst where Jongin and Yixing reunite and Kyungsoo is forced to watch them fall in love and suffer silently while witnessing the things he could have had but was too stupid to hold on to.


End file.
